Tonight was supposed to be a night we spent as a couple. We were supposed to talk and sort things out. We went out to dinner came hoke and I took a shower because I had been sway from running around all day. When I get out of the shower he’s laying in the dark. So I go and get dressed in the living room he’s like “are you gonna come in here.” By thins point I am over it. If he really wanted to spend some quality couple time he would have waited for me instead of laying down and being half asleep. I watched a movie and he never came out. Claiming he’s still awake just laying down. He worked a long day yesterday and worked today too. Why would I bother him when he’s resting or whatever he’s doing. Well when he mentioned all this yesterday I wasn’t really feeling it to begin with. So suddenly when he feels like putting an effort I’m just supposed to fall in line? My son got home, from being out, around 9p. Well he “wakes up” we discuss what we will be doing tomorrow for the 4th. I talk to him about it in the bedroom for a whole then he just lays there again. I told I’m going back to the living room he tells me I don’t have to leave. So I wait there for a little bit. Play on my phone and nothing. It’s like h3 wants to day something or make a move but he doesnt. I could have easily initiated some contact or conversation but I’m sick of always having to be the one. Then what? I get rejected or yelled at again?? I left and am now in the living room crying and disappointed once again. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this whole living situation and I don’t like it. I feel so miserable and angry. I want to kick him out but he literally has no one and no where to go. I hate feeling trapped like this. He’s a good man bit I’m afraid he’s not good for me. Or is it that everything in my life allows him not to be the one for me. I do put him last when it comes to wverything. I explained this to him though. It isn’t easy raising a special needs child. Who BTW he seems to have very little patience for these days. I’m feel like once again I’ve failed at having a relationship. One that’s not full of resentment, disappointment, dissatisfaction, resentment, etc. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to deal with and have hurt him pretty badly as well. I explained to him in great detail what depression and anxiety do to me and how I struggle. Now it’s like he’s holding it all again me. It hurts so bad. I just don’t know what to think anymore…. I wish in wasn’t so tires I’d take a long drive. I wish I had somewhere to go. Somewhere to stay. I don’t want to be here right now. I feel like I’m crawling out of me skin. =(

1 Comment
  1. ennui79 4 years ago

    Just because he has nowhere to go means you should keep him around…all he ever does is upset you and make you feel bad about yourself…no matter how hard you try…..

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