I hate that.

This needs some backstory first of all.

OK, so, when I was 15, I had this really good guy friend. I kinda fell for him, but didn't wanna risk spoiling the friendship, so never did anything about it. I THINK if he'd stayed around by the time I was 16 I would have gone for it, in fact I'm sure I would, but I held back even more when I found he was moving away and… it was painful, I lost a friend AND a potential romance. After he'd moved, I found out he felt the same about me. Goddammit. That's just typical that is. I either like people unavailable or who don't like me- the one time I like someone, and am close to this person, I don't actually realise he feels the same til it is too late!!

Anyway I moved on, had to. But a couple of years ago I saw him again and thought maybe things could start off, but it was a brief encounter and nothing happened.

A few months ago the WEIRDEST thing happened- one of his friends contacted me on myspace asking to be friends, well I use an alias there so it was one HELL of a weird coincidence- I'd actually known this friend of his longer than I'd known him, coz we'd had many classes together in school. When I looked through this mutual friends profile and found 'my potential guys' profile, it was really weird. I still sorta like him, but I don't know him anymore so how can I? I've also changed a lot- he was my friend pre anxiety and emotional breakdown- I've become very spiritual since then, kind of found something that was missing in my life- so I don't think he's even my 'type' anymore, not that I define or limit myself to a type as such.

Anyways last night I had this dream about him. I dreamt I went up to him and said 'Did I ever hint to you how much I liked you when we were friends in school?' and he said 'no I had no idea' and I just smiled, blushed a little and said 'oh. I should have made it more obvious.' Then I walked away. Later in this dream I was in this big group of people- I *think* it was a lesson actually, and he just walked in, right over to me, and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. For some reason that has touched me more than any passionate 'snog' kiss ever did, in dreams or reality (although I haven't actually ever HAD a passionate kiss in reality coz I've never kissed someone I really like in a want-to-be-his-girlfriend way). It was so- promising. It was like he was saying 'I still love you and we'll see each other for more of this later, right now I am just making it clear to everyone that I want you'. There was a message behind that kiss that I instantly understood and it made me feel so special and glowy.

*sigh* then when you wake up and it's all been a dream… it leaves behind almost a yearning to have that really, but it's confusing when I dream about people from the past. I much prefer dreaming about an unknown stranger. I don't want the past with me. He's moved on, I've changed, I don't want these reminders of what COULD have been but wasn't screwing with my emotions and making my heart feel all mushy and kinda bruised.