Because it's honestly what i've been trying to say for a while and her post inspired it.

I'm pretty sure that relying on online discussions and camaraderie has made me a complete recluse and utterly socially inept. Most people my age talk about work or school, their kids or their significant other. I really don't have much in the way of a life so i don't have much to talk about which makes life even more unbearable in the social realm. The other day i was approached by some old neighbors. I befriended his wife and we got along, but somehow her husband seemed to want to keep her from me. I really don't know to this day why they ignored me. It killed my self esteem along with other tings in these past few years. I fear life and being myself. I do believe i am myself online, not someone who fakes a personality to get attention. Though, it has still led me into a deep spiral of …nothing. The worst part is that i am apathetic about being online now as well. i am just becoming apathetic and struggling to find meaning and inspiration in my life. I try everyday and won't give up but it is extremely difficult. It's hard for me to follow through anything without motivation from others.

I forgot to add, i have only one actual friend to speak of and he is someone i dated at one point. He is the only one i haven't alienated or done something to turn him off. He is always there for me and i feel like a charity case, but i know deep down i'm not. Still, even though i have his friendship, i feel like he doesn't really enjoy my company and hangs out with me because he's bored. I don't know anymore. I guess one who was bored with me wouldn't really want to hang out a lot with me, but i feel so pent up and confused around people now, like i have to sensor things, i have to act 30, i CAN'T be myself. I'm not aloud. And when people like him are all happy go lucky and talkative around me, i shell up. I get uncomfortable even and that is not ME. Something along the lines has driven me to reclusion inside myself even when i'm out and i don't know what it is. I no longer accept myself?

 

Funny thing is ( or not ) there were times where i mustered up the courage to be myself and happy. These seem like the highs and lows of someone bipolar or manic. Though these highs happen so rarely. Little things spark me into i don't know…life. It's like someone jumpstarted me back up. Then something small happens and i'm back to dismal and dragging but constantly forcing myself to be happy. It's almost like my fuel may be people , positive and non-judgemental people and that is bad b/c it means i rely on people to make me happy. I know we all need people to some extent, it has been scientifically proven that you live longer and healthier with friendship or just relations in general. How do i not rely on people and  rely on myself after so long? How do i love myself again like there were a few times i've done in the past? I can remember the feeling of contentment and actually accepting myself. It was freeing and just a weight off of myself. i can even remember a time when i was about 25 that i accepted death and life equally. I didn't fear it and i just wanted to take advantage of what this beautiful earth has given me. Everyday i still see the beauty in life, but have no idea how to attain it. i can't accept myself. I cant be comfortable and i keep hoping i will find that person that brings it out of me again, like an instantaneous release or the gradual kind where you know it's happening slowly but it's only getting better. This person is actually healing me by accepting me.

I love sarcasm and dry witty quips, but i also love respect and love and someone who has mastered both. I miss that and i never really had much of it. I had a lot of criticism and i still do. How am i supposed to accept myself when every time i think i'm getting close i'm berated.

 I really don't know what i am trying to say right now, i'm just surprised that i typed anything.

3 Comments
  1. nelson 12 years ago

    You did a good job by writing this lovely words and comment because it will go a long way in shaping your value system and making you greater and richer for who you are.i am happy to tell you that you are on your way to a life of bliss and joy.happy weekend

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  2. Girlncahoots 12 years ago

    I read all of what you said, but the problem is i don’t want to be “myself” alone. I want to meet people to bring ME out of me. I like being solitary just as much as i like going out. When i’m not nervous and with the right company, i cant shut up. People either hate it or love it. I have long lost that part of me… at least , in person. Over the phone it magically comes out… with the right person and only if i don’t feel judged.  Sigh.

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  3. Girlncahoots 12 years ago

    I internalize what you write, beleive me. It isn’t a waste, but sometime i just don’t have the energy for more words and sometimes i do.

     

    I wish it were just lonliness and social anxiety…it’s not

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