It has been a really long time since I have been on here and I have had a lot happen in my time away. For the first time in a really long time, I have a small shred of hope in my eyes. A little daunting at times and very hard to accept, but I am really trying!

My daughter graduated from high school in June, it was a very proud and happy moment for me. It is such a relief that not only did she make it, so did I! One of my biggest fears was that something was going to happen to me and my son was going to have to become her guardian. What a relief that I don't have to worry about that anymore! She is an adult now and on her way to making it on her own. She has a job now and helping me with the household bills, she got back together with her boyfriend after a 3 year seperation, and just got her acceptance letter for college. So proud of her, I can't even see straight sometimes.

My son has always been my rock and my strength, nice to know that hasn't changed, if anything it has gotten stronger. I have some hope for him as well. It seemed to me for a long time now he was happy and content to just hang out, working a dead end job and not going to school. I am very happy to say that he has already been accepted to college and starts classes in Jan. I know that he will be wonderful and come out of his shell and excel when he hits that campus. He will be beating women off with a stick when they get a load of him! He is everything that a woman should be looking for, compassionate, caring, smart as hell and loyal to the end. I hope that he finds a good one that actually has a brain and can challenge him.

In my world there has been some major changes-I actually have a job again! It has been really hard to adjust to this again after being out of work for 9 years. I am lucky that it is out of my house, it is stil really hard to adjust to answering to someone again and adhering to a schedule. I only wish my health was better than it is. I was very lucky to get on a new pill regiment and I have been on it now for 4 weeks and I want to say they are working. Just had labs done yesterday and have to see my doc next Tuesday. Keep your fingers crossed for me, these are the last resort for me as I am sensitive to all other pills. From what they tell me, it is totally new, it is called Stribilt and is coupled with reyataz. Good thing about them is I only have to take them once a day. Maybe that will help me in my compliance issues from the past. The first 2 weeks were hell, I was getting numb patches in my face and really lightheaded all the time. I think I am over the hump with them now, I just hope they are working. I am so sick of being sick! My body seems to be healing better than before, and I don't feel as tired, but still have no stamina to speak of. I hope that changes.

After my first week of training when I had to go up to the office for 40 hours and try to remember how to do all this, I had panic attacks all over the place and a total meltdown in the office halfway through it. Then to top it all off I broke out into shingles all over my back, and my right side. This is the second time this has happened to me, except it was on my left side last time. That is the most painful thing I have ever gone through, I am still having some pain from it every now and again, but I really hope I don't get that again!

I have been swarmed in paperwork for the last 6 months trying to keep up with the bills, getting them in school and keeping my food stamps and medical and housing correct. What a pain in the ass! One month I have benefits, the next month I don't. Then I have to keep reapplying for SSD and keep getting turned down. Now that I am working again, I am going to try for SSI instead. Maybe I will have better luck with that route. I just don't know if I can maintain this job. It was one thing to get one, it is a whole other ballgame to keep one. I have been working for 3 moths now and I still haven't been able to work my scheduled shift of 28 hours. I have noticed that I can handle about 4 hours a day then I start falling apart. They have me at 8 hours on Sat and that is totally impossible! I am hoping my doc will take mercy on me and say that I am only able to work 4 a day.

I think I am done griping now-moral of the story is this-even when you think that there is nothing more to be done and it is ok for you to check out-remember this and remember me. I thought that for a long time and I was ready to go until I had an answer from an unlikey source. It was the anniversay of my partner's death this past Sept, 6 years ago. I was on my back porch with a large bottle of wine and my tears and I looked up into the sky and started talking to him. I asked him to give me a sign that he was still there and looking out for me, that he was starting to fade from my mind and that scared me. I am at the bottom now and I don't have an answer anymore, please help me. Two days later, I get a call out of clear blue sky that I have a job interview. The very next day my doctor calls me and tells me that he has a new med for me. Two miracles in one week and I got my answer from Bobby that I was asking for. Thank you baby-I miss you still everyday and I guess you aren't ready for me to join you yet. I get it and I know that you are waiting for me, that is now good enough for meFINALLY RIGHT?!