I exercised–go me!

That's not why I'm stressed obviously. Now I have to address all the things that are bugging me in order to have some peace.

I'm obsessed with that bubble shooter game. Seriously…

Okay back to my problems. Normally I would just write this out on paper, but I feel like sharing with the anxious community at large. Did that make any sense?

Anyways,

I've been eating lots and lots of junkfood, even when I'm not hungry. I either force myself to eat it or don't allow myself to think about. Its very unhealthy. The problem is when I try to control my eating, my blood sugar is used to the high, so I always end up binging to help that. So I'm trying to moderate it down. I keep saying to myself I'm going to do the weight watchers points because it does work. I did it like year before last or something and lost 3 pounds one week. I just don't see the point when I feel like nothing that I do matters in the long run. That nothing will make me happy so why make myself miserable in the interim.

Moving on to next problem.

I left work because I said I wasn't feeling well about an hour early. I was feeling naseous off and on and had planned on leaving at lunch because I was out in my car. So I sucked it and just finished the day. I felt better for the most part, but I just wanted to go home. i kept waiting for my stomach to do something. I left work and told someone I help with work I was leaving at in a few minutes, she wanted me to wait and do some of her mail. But I do it every other day, plus everything else she asks me. Its not my job, but its become part of my job. The place is pretty easy going. But i just felt like I was getting the third degree. She even said I didn't look like I didn't feel well. Sorry if I wasn't being dramatic like usual, because when I don't feel well everyone knows it…I just sucked it up today because I didn't want to lose hours at work.

So that made me feel really blah about myself. Because its very lax there. You come in, you do your work, nobodys breathing down your neck, I go above and beyond what I'm supposed to do and I don't mind most of the time, but I have to walk around and lug stuff here and there. Because you say I look fine, means I am? I don't think so.

I've had problems with upset stomachs,especially with my anxiety and I take things when I shouldn't and I need to get my stomach back on track.

My real "boss" is actually on vacation this week! I got permission to go home, so thats all there should be to it.

When did our lives start revolving around work. That expect us to be robotic at times, not where I work specifically, but it just seems like that in general. I don't mind working hard at all, I do work hard at everything I do. Just sometimes I have trouble functioning on the best level.

There needs to be a balance. Sometimes I don't think I can take all the pressure that comes with working, but I've gotten pretty good. People don't believe me now when I tell them I suffer from anxiety because I don't seem to have a problem talking to them. This hasn't changed. I can talk to people I see everyday. But my worrying doens't go away. Sometimes I think I just said something I shouldn't have and would deem me as stupid or weird and try to explain myself which only seems to make me seem worse and feel worse.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Then I'm reminded of all my debt, bills, my mother, my responsilbity to myself and to everyone else around me, that life is hard, nothing comes easy….

I am looking forward to going to school. To continue studying my paralegal courses. I can't stop going to school. My therapist said was that an option to put it off right now if I can't afford it. I'm like no, not possible. Because I was out of school for six months before I spiraled down into a bad depression again, that was 2 years ago. School has always been my safe haven. It keeps me going. It gives me some purpose, something to look forward to, it gives me hope. And I won't let anyone take that away from me. I love learning, even though it takes me a while to retain things, it still helps me train my mind.

Becoming a hermit like my older brother, live at home with no job because he doesn't like to deal with authority or the real world. He's just got responsbility issues, not what I have. And I know my parents would never kick me out. Thats one of the main things that keeps me going. I don't want to let my mom down. She's invested a lot in me, to help me keep going, especially financially. So it wouldn't be fair if I just blew the whistle and disappeared into my shell because life got too hard.

I know the difference between genuinely needing help for uncontrollable depression and just plain old exuses and whining. I have so much to look forward to, all the things I worked hard for. To feel like I can function at a normal level and have relationships that others can. That second one hasn't happenedy yet, but its a work in progress.

Then there is my writing. I joined a meetup group for novel writing. Its only a couple people but I hope it helps. I keep wanting to write a young adult novel. It's not a matter of if but when. I'm just so afraid of screwing it up. The more young adult novels I read, the more I know this is exactly where my brain and thoughts about writing fit.

I think thats enough for tonight. I feel like some weight has been lifted off me. So now I'm going to try on my new shirt and skirt which i might where to work tomorrow. And I never ever wear skirts.

 

Tooodles

 

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