YEP THIS IS ME! 15 MONTHS CLEAN. JUNE JULY AND AUGUST PICS I HAVE RUN INTO ALOT OF OLD SCHOOL FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK AND AROUND HERE WHERE I LIVE AND THEY ALWAYS SAY WOW DEZ YOU LOOK GREAT. EVEN MY OLD NEIGHBORS SAY WOW YOU REALLY CHANGED. THIS IS NOT TO BRAG BECAUSE IT IS YEARs OF BAGGAGE ON THE INSIDE THAT I HAVE TO WORK ON. I JUST KNOW NOW I FEEL GREAT AND I FEEL AGAIN. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY YOU KNOW WHAT DEZ, YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT PATH OF LIFE AND I DO MATTER! I HAVE SELF WORTH. I HAVE TO SAY NOT JUST ON THE OUTSIDE BUT ON THE INSIDE JUST AS WELL. THIS JOURNEY HAS TAKEN ME TO ANOTHER STEP IN MY LIFE. I AM LEARNING DIFFERENT SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES AS I GO ALONG IT NOT TO SAY THAT I DO EVERYTHING PERFECT BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A WAY OFF LIE. BUT I KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT, THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP ME TO HAVE THE GOALS THAT I DREAM ABOUT. WELL MAYBE A OPERATION RIGHT NOW, BUT YES LIKE HAILEY’S EAGLE ACADEMY CLASS SAYS, DREAM IT! BELIEVE IT! AND ACHIEVE IT! YOU MATTER! I AM STILL IN THE PTA AT HER SCHOOL AND WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A TALENT CONTEST FOR THE KIDS. WE ARE ALSO THROWING A HARVEST FESTIVAL WITH KARAOKE AND EVERY PARENT THAT SHOWS UP THERE CHILD GETS A SUPRISE. THERE CHILD WILL GET EAGLE FLYERS WHICH MEANS ALOT TO THE KIDS AT SCHOOL. IT’S LIKE MONEY TO THEM. I AM THAT PARTICIPATING PARENT. I STILL DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO THE OLD WAY OF LIVING. WHO WOULD OF KNOWN THAT THIS WOULD OF TURNED OUT SO GOOD FOR ME AND HAILEY. IF I WOULD OF KNOWN MAYBE I WOULDN’T STAYED SO LONG STUCK IN MY OWN MIND. THIS YEAR MY FAVORITE WORD IS FREEDOM! NOT BECAUSE I LEFT THE MAN I LOVE SO DEEP IN MY HEART AT ONE TIME OR MY HOME THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER BUT BECAUSE I FOUND FREEDOM IN MY OWN SELF WORTH. I HAD TO GET AWAY FROM EVERYTHING TO FIND IT. I DO MATTER! I AM GOING THIS WEEKEND TO A CAMPING SPIRITUAL RETREAT WITH THE WOMEN OF NA FOR THREE DAYS. IT SHOULD BE GREAT I HEAR THAT THEY TAKE YOU ON A ANGEL WALK. THE BEST THING IS THAT HAILEY WILL SPEND SAT AND SUN AT GRANDMA’S AND WITH HER DADDY. I HOPE HE SPENDS ALL THAT TIME WITH JUST HER. HAILEY NEEDS TO KNOW FROM HER DADDY THAT SHE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN HIS LIFE AND IN THE ROOM. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER PEOPLE PLACES OR THINGS BUT I PRAY HE KEEPS THAT WOMEN HE  IS WITH AWAY. I CAN BET HE DOESN’T KEEP HER AWAY BECAUSE ALL I EVER SEEN FROM HIM WAS SELFISHNESS . HAILEY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE ROOM FOR ME. IT’S SO HARD TO GO TO THIS EVENT AND LEAVE HAILEY BEHIND. I HAVE NEVER LEFT HER LIKE THAT EVER. BUT I MUST WORK ON ME SOME MORE. I REALIZED WHEN I TALKED TO MY SOON TO BE EX HUSBAND THAT I SHOULDN’T HAVE TOLD HIM HE WAS LIVING IN A LIE. I WILL HAVE TO TELL HIM I SORRY FOR SAYING THAT. I NEED TO LEARN THAT HE HAS TO HAVE HIS OWN PROGRAM AND HE IS NOT IN THE WORLD OF NA LIKE ME. I HOPE THOUGH ONE DAY HE CAN BE TRUE TO HIS SELF.  SOMETIMES I JUST HATE SAYING EX-HUSBAND AND SIT AND WONDER  WHAT SHOULD I WRITE OR SAY "HIM" OR "HAILEY’S DADDY" OR "HUSBAND" OR WHAT SHOULD I CALL HIM! SO SOMETIMES I JUST SAY MY LOST LOVE. I THINK THAT IS ABOUT RIGHT FOR NOW. HERE IT IS ANOTHER DAY AND I’M GETTING HAILEY AND I READY FOR OUR SEPARATION. I ALREADY MISS HER AND I HAVEN’T EVEN HIT THE DOOR YET. BUT SPIRITUAL PRINCIPLES TAKES PRACTICE AND I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT JUST ME SO WE CAN HAVE A BETTER LIFE. I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HAILEY FIRST. BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE A SMOTHERING MOMMY EITHER. SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT SHE DOES HAVE A FATHER TO. BUT HE STILL NEEDS TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO HAVE HER. I CALLED HAILEY ON SAT AND THEY SAID SHE WAS BUSY, I JUST HAD A HARD TIME NOT THINKING ABOUT HER WHILE I WAS UP IN THE MOUNTAINS. ON SUNDAY I CAME HOME AND CALLED HAILEY AND HER DADDY ANSWERED INSTEAD OF CALLING ME HER MOMMY HE TOLD HER DESIREE IS ON THE PHONE. THAT’S THE KIND OF PROBLEMS HE DID WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER, NO HEART FOR HIS WIFE OR FOR HIS DAUGHTER AND TO THIS DAY IT STILL HURTS A LITTLE BUT I AM LEARNING THAT IS NOT MY STUFF TODAY THAT IS HIS STUFF AND HAILEY KNOWS WHO HER MOTHER AND HEAVENLY MOTHER IS. HIS GIRLFRIEND SAYS HAILEY WILL RESENT ME, BUT I KNOW THAT YEAH IF THERE WOULD BE RESENTMENTS IT WON’T BE FOR ME. I TALK TO MY AND HAILEY’S COUNSLORS AND THEY TELL ME I HAVE BEEN DOING WHAT IS RIGHT. THE RIGHT THING FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.  I’M BACK FROM THE CAMPING TRIP AND IT WAS AWESOME THE ANGEL WALK IS A EXPERIENCE THAT I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN BUT IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, IT IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER FORGET IN MY LIFE. HAILEY IS SICK TO DAY. IT’S MONDAY AND MY POOR BABY HAS A FEVER AND DOES NOT FEEL WELL, I WILL BE RIGHT BY HER SIDE UNTIL SHE IS WELL THAT’S WHAT MOTHERS DO. I WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT HER CHICKEN SOUP, CRACKERS AND SOME SPRITE. I WILL GET HER HOMEWORK A LITTLE LATER WHEN I PICK UP YAZMINA FROM SCHOOL. WELL ANYWAYS I SPEND TIME WORKING ON MY SELF. WRITING ABOUT MY EFFORTS MAY BE A CONSTANT REMINDER THAT MY ACTIONS ARE NOT IN VAIN, BUT GUIDED BY GODS HANDS. MY HELPS IS FROM MY LORD GOD WHICH MADE HEAVEN AND EARTH. HE IS MY STRENGTH IN LIFE. HE IS MY HEAVENLY HEALER, HE ALWAYS HEALS MY SOUL. HE IS THERE IN THE SUN BY DAY AND THE MOON BY NIGHT. GOD PROTECT ME FROM ALL EVIL. I PRAY THAT PEACE WILL COME TO MY HEART WITH FORGIVENESS AND STRENGTH WILL COME FOR EVERLASTING LOVING. LEARN TO TAKE NOTHING FOR GRANTED IN THIS LIFE AND UNDERSTAND WITH MY HEART THAT MY GENEROSITY OF SPIRIT AND TRUE COMPASSION IS OF LOVE AND LIFE.  ONE DAY AT A TIME.  LOVE TO ALL MY FAMILIES AND FRIENDS DEZ
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