Well, here i go again…trying to find a way to help ease some of these thoughts and negative feelings. *sigh So many times, the darkness digs in a little bit deeper. It’s almost as if part of my brain is making excuses or finding other distractions, so as to keep me from doing what i came here for. i want to be in my son’s life, though i don’t want to pressure him or make anything any harder on/for him. i want him to be productive and follow his goals and dreams, and have a decent, peaceful adulthood. Would that even be possible with me in his life? If he was the only other one who knew about it, maybe so. But, just one slip of the tongue or letting the wrong person know i’m nearby, could make everything go back to below square one. *sigh Connecting with my grandson seems to be as difficult as it was when i was in Canada! i know, in time, that might very well change. But, for now, i just have to find a way to keep going and just ‘be’….no matter how much it hurts. Sure, the distractions surrounding relocating and trying to get things taken care of help sway my thoughts, at times. However, the inevitable always happens: as soon as i take a break or have the slightest amount of time to reflect, my emotions and thoughts take over. i really do hope i can begin working on some sort of “going away party” for Shelby, soon. i already knew it’d probably be around the first anniversary of her death, before i can get anything worked out. And, even that seems to be pushing things a bit. i just hope that no matter what we wind up doing, it won’t be distasteful or overly painful. *sigh i’ve accepted that no matter what we wind up doing, i’m gonna have some really strong feelings and emotions. That part is a given. i just have to be able to focus enough, at least, to keep my guard up, especially should the ‘wrong’ people decide to pop in. It’s a shame that i feel this way. But, after two decades, plus, of dealing with those people, and all their hatred and dysfunction, there’s only two choices really: cope with it as best you can, and stay; or keep your guard up and try to be safe, and get away from it. –See what i mean? They still ‘control’ my life, in some ways. 🙁 Does this mean that peace’ll never really be present in my life? i dunno…..i just have to find some oomph to keep fighting and pressing forward. My grandson deserves that. And, so does my son.
No….i must not…..i cannot……i have to stay the course and not give up.