A/S/L? this is a pick up line now? I\'m 29 now and I remember being 14 and a/s/l/ was a friendly opening not a redlight on at my door, but then those where differnet times. Times when I didn\'t need to worry about std\'s. My 14 yr old cousin doesn\'t know what she\'s playing with, maybe somethings never change. Anyways, I was 22 in love with a handful of obstacles in front of me and I froze everything for one week to focus on a hugh decision, to marry him or not? Okay so if you know me you know that I did marry him a yr later we find out we were both poz. I wasn\'t scared then we were in love, right? But things changed and we were dealing with what life was throwing at us. Between INS, HIV, my work injury that left me disabled, my fathers disrespect towards hub and me, well when I tried to think of just us it was harder and harder to find. Still I had made an oath under God and marriage is scarifed to me so I pressed on with tring to be a family with him. We had a child. This much I will only comment on to say this, she is the source of my oxygen and the faith i can hold. Thank you God for keeping her safe within me. Back to finding an us. It began to become painfully clear that hub did have sexual desires however for whatever hes reason, which he doesn\'t care to voice to me, hes desires were for self satisfaction. Ahd the us became even smaller. Six months ago this feb 1 2009 I had a talk with him and expressed my points that I was unhappy with and informed him that I wud be forced to make a desion on the us. Two weeks ago I again find porn on our family pc and when I asked him for the 10th time why? I got three different stories in five min.s. I realize I should probly be glad hes not with someone else, but I dont see the difference it makes me feel like if he could go out and sleep around he would. I asked him two weeks ago what he would do if I started dating. He told me he wouldnt care or be mad at me that I would only be tring to better my life. that hurt so deep I did just what he said. I joined a dateing site for hiv/aids. I have talked with a few people from the site and Im totally up front with my situation. Now Im having self eating feelings for what I\'m doing and at the same time I hate hub for leaving me with no other option. Today hub and I had an arguement things happened as they do and I told him I was dating. I\'ve not come right out and said it to him yet but I haven\'t been secretive. Out of respect and to keep the peace in the house I dont chat when hes home or awake. I wish things were different I dont know when is it okay to let go. I come from a divorce family and I just want to believe that two people who have true love can make it work. well if I can\'t make it work do I stay cuz now its an obligation? Our do I go cuz lifes to short to be unhappy? Soean\'t our child deserve a whole family everyday? I have love for hub just dont think it matters anymore, there no us anymore, but somewhere in the middle of it all is me.
mkmomma, , HIV or Aids, Anxiety, Child, Divorce, Relationships, Religion, Sex Therapy, Sleep Disorders, 0