i wanted to thank everyone for their kind comments. the funeral is over, and i'm back home, although i'll be seeing my mom and visiting my brother's grave frequently this year (i already have plans for next month).

at some point i will need to vent my father's part in my brother's death and the way he tortured my mom and i over the arrangements. and i hope to be able to explain how much my brother meant to me, but there just aren't words. he was only 23, and i know this never would've happened if he hadn't been drunk and had a gun. my dad gave him the gun. he's no longer my father. he sexually, physically, verbally, and psychologically abused me growing up, so i didn't think there was any possible way he could hurt me anymore, but i was so terribly wrong. i can't believe he took my baby brother from me.

my brother and i were close all our lives. i don't know how to breathe without him. every time i go outside i'm shocked the sky and trees are still there. i just can't believe that the world can exist without him. i can't believe i exist without him.

i had to fight urges to protect his dead body from all the people who were going to bury him. i felt like he was going to wake up any minute, i just wanted to hold his hand forever and letting go was impossibly hard. i still can't believe he's dead. i just can't' believe it. i wish he would call me and explain what's going on. why doesn't he call me or show up at my door?

and by the way, my friends are taking very good care of me, so that you for letting me vent, but please don't worry about me. i haven't been alone since i found out. and i probably won't be for a while.

thank you everyone.