From every moment of my youth I remember being helpful and to every degree of the term empathic. Granted empathy has boons a desire to help those in need and a desire to support those who need it. But what about the line? Where does empathy become too much to such a point you will destroy or defile yourself…I feel like I’m there or close to it. The realization that I have ruined the life of my grandparents with my poor decisions has me at a gate of no return. One where I redeem myself through shame  and debauchery. Or one where I redeem us all through my shame and debauchery. I wish there was another way…I wish I didn’t have to become an object to survive…but the more I look the more necessary it seems. Mentally work is exhausting I can hardly focus through the day. And that work which I do through fiverr isn’t enough to make up for what else i need financially. I can’t ever seem to finish writing a story or if it would be a manga I can’t draw it. And most my skills are low grade enough me being wanted would not pay the bills. And even my collections would only turn maybe 1000 dollars…I can’t see any way besides becoming visible…becoming more objectified than I feel now. I don’t want this. However the alternative is much worse to me. I’m not ashamed of my body though I am realistic about it. However to become an object to that degree sounds worrisome. I mean granted revealing myself doesn’t challenge my beliefs. And after being called stupid and weak I still feel incomplete as if I need to be desired and lusted after. But somehow all in all hacing myself out there for the world to stumble upon and oggle makes me uneasy…but there is so much needed. I feel as if as much as I don’t want to there is no other choice. A private market won’t want me so only public market is an option for my form I feel. Maybe things will go better than i expect. I hope.

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