From every moment of my youth I remember being helpful and to every degree of the term empathic. Granted empathy has boons a desire to help those in need and a desire to support those who need it. But what about the line? Where does empathy become too much to such a point you will destroy or defile yourself…I feel like I’m there or close to it. The realization that I have ruined the life of my grandparents with my poor decisions has me at a gate of no return. One where I redeem myself through shame and debauchery. Or one where I redeem us all through my shame and debauchery. I wish there was another way…I wish I didn’t have to become an object to survive…but the more I look the more necessary it seems. Mentally work is exhausting I can hardly focus through the day. And that work which I do through fiverr isn’t enough to make up for what else i need financially. I can’t ever seem to finish writing a story or if it would be a manga I can’t draw it. And most my skills are low grade enough me being wanted would not pay the bills. And even my collections would only turn maybe 1000 dollars…I can’t see any way besides becoming visible…becoming more objectified than I feel now. I don’t want this. However the alternative is much worse to me. I’m not ashamed of my body though I am realistic about it. However to become an object to that degree sounds worrisome. I mean granted revealing myself doesn’t challenge my beliefs. And after being called stupid and weak I still feel incomplete as if I need to be desired and lusted after. But somehow all in all hacing myself out there for the world to stumble upon and oggle makes me uneasy…but there is so much needed. I feel as if as much as I don’t want to there is no other choice. A private market won’t want me so only public market is an option for my form I feel. Maybe things will go better than i expect. I hope.
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You can beat it
prism, , Anxiety, Addiction, Anxiety, Medication, Psychosis, Therapist, 0
A fair few of you won\'t know me as i don\'t come here much anymore so i will write...
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Saviour or Satan?
Justin14, , Anxiety, Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Grief, Medication, Psychosis, Therapist, Therapy, 0
I\'ve been on 2 mg of xanax a day for atleast 5 years. i was prescribed this because of...
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Home
sadviolinist, , Depression, Obesity, Sleep Disorders, Therapist, 1
Well, we're back from our "anniversary getaway". Sadly it turned out to be something I almost wish we hadn't...
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*sigh* –
cella, , Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Medication, Sleep Disorders, Suicide, Therapy, 0
havnt written for a while..havnt been online much, except for on my phone on fb…just cant be bothered with...
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another step…
delane1, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Marriage & Family, OCD, Addiction, Anxiety, Stress, Therapist, 0
i managed, earlier this week, to get in contact with one of the support groups my counselor’d suggested. i...
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Chocolate, Photos, and Freaks
thebadkitty, , Depression, Sex Therapy, 0
Ate some vegan, chocolate ice cream, and watched some Star Trek. Mags and I are supposed to get together...
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First blog
lynn224, , Anxiety, Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, Suicide, Therapy, 0
i joined this because although i love to do things, be with people who care about me and remind...
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Do jobs ALWAYS go shitty?
Serrinatta, , Depression, Career, Questions, Sleep Disorders, 0
Is it just me or do jobs always go sour after a while? My previous job went sour because...