Today has been alright, I think the constant forgetting of things has been such a problem. I wish I could remember things in my life but all the words seem to fall apart no matter what I do. I’m used to being the one who always gets things done in class before everyone else, though lately it feels more and more difficult. I have a full schedule this year with all six AP and IB classes.

I’ve been terribly stressed with the college apps I wish I knew for sure I could get into the college of my dreams. I wish I could know that I wouldn’t be homeless and friendless once I leave to go to a foreign country. Of course, I’d probably just find something else to stress out about: like growing up and leaving home in and of itself. I suppose you could call me a burn out of sorts, though I’ve been burned out for years frankly. I guess that’s the trouble with pushing yourself too hard. Maybe it’s a cultural thing since my Mom is Japanese. I have to cut down my TOK essay, stop worrying about whether or not my friends hate me, finish the college apps, study for my Physics class, read my classmates Spanish interview, and read some Shakespeare…

I also have to remember to go to language club during lunch on Tuesday if I can. Though I wouldn’t want to offend my friend by not talking to them during lunch; though I’m sure they wouldn’t be offended… I guess that’s just a thing I tend to worry about. What was the last thing I was supposed to worry about… I can’t remember, I keep having these intrusive thoughts to talk to the person who wishes I was dead; they loved sunsets. Oh yeah, I wanted to read Lonesome Dove and keep doing this Inktober thing I’ve now dedicated myself too. (Inktober has 31 prompts and you do an art piece everyday). Heh.. Someone was telling me at the Garden I volunteer that people who have the time to do Inktober have too much time on their hands. I was a bit offended in all honest. I mean how long does it take to draw something: around 1 hour ± 0.5 for me at least.

Well thanks if you’ve read through this far, though this is just a ramble of random thoughts not even my friends would want to read. I feel a lot of people are able to handle this kind of thing with ease, but it’s not really about what’s going on in my life that makes me feel like shit. It’s just the thoughts that turn realities into pains… Over and over. When you’ve lacked the will too live for so long it doesn’t really come back per se, so anything can really tip you over the edge. That’s how I understand it for myself.