arrrrghhh everything is so stupid and depressing when the anxiety kicks in again. To be honest I just really can't be arsed with anything, and I don't see the point anymore.

So my mum is away again for like 4 nights. I've already done 2 nights without her. By the way, this'll make a hell of a lot more sense if you've read my last blog from like June or something.

So I get really anxious and nervous and stuff when my mum's away overnight. Even though I'm 18 I feel like a 6 year old or something, getting so worked up just because my mum's not around. Thing is, I'm so dependent on her when I go through anxious phases. It's like she's the only one who can calm me down if I'm panicky, or make me feel better about anything. Though that second part isn't true, a lot of people can make me feel better if i have a problem. But I think the problem is that I tell myself i won't be ok without her, and even though just simply the sound of her voice can calm me down, I think if i maybe managed to think positive thoughts, i might actually be just as fine while she's gone. If that makes sense.

Moving on…anxiety sucks. I don't get why it has to exist. It's like…will life ever be back to normal? Or are we all just victims of this big fat shite and we just have to live with it? I don't get it…why us? It's such a huge thing in my life now. It doesn't deserve to be. But I can't exactly say 'oh, what the hell, I'm bored of you, go away now.' Well i can, but it wouldn't (go away).

I think I actually started writing this blog with something else in mind though…

I can't concentrate on ANYTHING. It's not that I'm anxious, but I just CAN'T relax at all. Not while my mum isn't here. Like I'm constantly just feeling like I need to worry, even if I know there's nothing to worry about. So I've got an assignment due in two days ago and I just can't do it at the moment. I've been told by a counsellor that I need to relax fully for a while before I start to do anything, like work etc. But I can't make myself relax at the moment. I feel guilty if I do, because I know that I should be working, or getting on with doing something at least. It's like I feel I don't deserve to relax at all. And I keep thinking to myself, maybe if i push myself hard enough, maybe i could have done this assignment already, i'm not trying hard enough. :'(

It's really hard, a lot of the time I just want to give up. I can't, of course, so I just try and get on with it.

I just want to know why we're all victims of this crappy demon that takes over half of our bloody lives.

So yeh, that's how I'm feeling today. Woop de doop!