So this is my first post, and I’ll try not to bore you.

I live with an addict.  He steals my gas money out of my wallet.  He takes my debit card and uses the rent money I’ve managed to ferret away to feed his monkey.  He drives intoxicated and breaks my car.

Oh, but he never does any of these things and insists he doesn’t know how they are happening and who is doing them.  Must be underpants gnomes.

 

He thinks he’s cute. He thinks he’s smart.  When he lies, he gets this smug look, trying to hide a grin of amusement. It’s like he takes pleasure in the dynamic he has set for our marriage.

 

He walked off his job without telling me two months ago, and will not seriously look for work.  He’s mooching off of me, we are drowning in bills, and I have split ends.

 

I’m ready to throttle this man-child, I’m confused and angry.  I’m grieving for the person I’ve lost.

 

I joined al anon online today, and got some resources.  I feel better knowing there are other people out there like me, but my inner rebel is all whaaaat as soon as the God talk gets started.

 

I wish there were programs out there for people who are not religious.  We deserve help too 🙂

 

and I have to write at least 300 words.  Toaster. Marbles. Bacon.

Shampoo. Noodles. Tuna.  Submarine sea people eating mounds of spaghetti.

It seems that is not quite 300 either.

 

We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 5. Year 6 this October.

And yet, it’s starting to feel like it all means nothing.  I feel silly saying I married my high school sweetheart.  It feels even sillier admitting how long I’ve put up with his selfish behavior.  I feel completely stupid.  Possibly mentally impaired.

 

I mean, who in their right mind would put up with a husband laying on the couch watching his wife struggle and hustle to pay the bills through glazed eyes and no intentions to lift a finger to help. Fuck.

 

I am working on my anger.  I feel like I’ve turned into someone I don’t recognize.  I used to be care free, fun loving, wild and natural.  I used to have friends, meet people, hang out. Go places.

 

I’m afraid of public venues. I’m paranoid. I get anxious, my heart pounds. I can’t breathe. I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m convinced I’ll say something stupid and people will gang up and dislike me in mutual evilness.

 

How silly. How completely unfounded.  I need change, and all I can change is me.  It’s scary as hell.

 

2 Comments
  1. lucylou69 4 years ago

    Hi I can feel you though your words. I used to be in an abusive relationship, which have been out of for 13 years. I never used to drink alcohol, but then when I was with him, I started to drink to surpress my feelings, I just wanted to die. Now I am happily married to a beautiful soul, But I still drink thats why I have joined here, I have acknowledged that Alcohol just isn’t for me, I don’t get drunk everyday, But I do pour a wine which normally leads to another.Back to you though, he has to acknowledge he has a problem to be able to change and has to want to change, have you threatened to leave or anything?? Has in my situation I have had to hit rock bottom to get the final (of many) warning calls, and this is it for me now, I have drunk worse since giving up smoking. I have tried to be a casual drinker, but no I have decided that Alcohol is no longer my friend. I have put on horrendous amount of weight due to my poor diet and large consumption of Alcohol….30 + kilos! I know its only me that can make the change. Your husband has to accept he as a dependancy on Alcohol before anything will change, I’ve put alcohol before my family before and I feel terrible now looking back at the big picture, I just hope they forgive me. Alcohol is an evil substance, can cause lots of heartache even death. You can’t tell a drunk person not to drive, as in that state they are ten foot tool and bullet proof and can’t remember there actions half the time anyway, and always blame others, never there fault. Hopefully you and I can support and help each other. I came to this site has AA didn’t interest me & I am a busy person so this easier for me to blog about everything on line anytime of the day, and just getting words off my chest will be a major factor in my healing process, as with what you are venting now, different situations but can give each other the support and that is what we are here for, LucyLou xxx

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      thesoftparade89 4 years ago

      Thanks for the comment, LucyLou, I’m glad we’re both here. I’ve threatened, and his reply is basically, do whatever you want, I don’t care. Lol. I’ve joined a few sites, and will continue to reach out to people during this time of separation, healing, and whatever happens.

      I will support you, and if you want support with weight loss, I’m your gal, too. 🙂
      I’m an emotional eater, and I’ve let myself go. It’s time we both felt better 😉

      Ash <3

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