So this is my first post, and I’ll try not to bore you.
I live with an addict. He steals my gas money out of my wallet. He takes my debit card and uses the rent money I’ve managed to ferret away to feed his monkey. He drives intoxicated and breaks my car.
Oh, but he never does any of these things and insists he doesn’t know how they are happening and who is doing them. Must be underpants gnomes.
He thinks he’s cute. He thinks he’s smart. When he lies, he gets this smug look, trying to hide a grin of amusement. It’s like he takes pleasure in the dynamic he has set for our marriage.
He walked off his job without telling me two months ago, and will not seriously look for work. He’s mooching off of me, we are drowning in bills, and I have split ends.
I’m ready to throttle this man-child, I’m confused and angry. I’m grieving for the person I’ve lost.
I joined al anon online today, and got some resources. I feel better knowing there are other people out there like me, but my inner rebel is all whaaaat as soon as the God talk gets started.
I wish there were programs out there for people who are not religious. We deserve help too 🙂
and I have to write at least 300 words. Toaster. Marbles. Bacon.
Shampoo. Noodles. Tuna. Submarine sea people eating mounds of spaghetti.
It seems that is not quite 300 either.
We’ve been together for 13 years, married for 5. Year 6 this October.
And yet, it’s starting to feel like it all means nothing. I feel silly saying I married my high school sweetheart. It feels even sillier admitting how long I’ve put up with his selfish behavior. I feel completely stupid. Possibly mentally impaired.
I mean, who in their right mind would put up with a husband laying on the couch watching his wife struggle and hustle to pay the bills through glazed eyes and no intentions to lift a finger to help. Fuck.
I am working on my anger. I feel like I’ve turned into someone I don’t recognize. I used to be care free, fun loving, wild and natural. I used to have friends, meet people, hang out. Go places.
I’m afraid of public venues. I’m paranoid. I get anxious, my heart pounds. I can’t breathe. I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m convinced I’ll say something stupid and people will gang up and dislike me in mutual evilness.
How silly. How completely unfounded. I need change, and all I can change is me. It’s scary as hell.