as some of you already know i got accepted to do the addiction studies course and it started last week, well tonight was my 2nd class and i really like it- i reckon its gooing to go well for me. I applied for an Youth action worker course too and guess what? i got the call yesterday and was told id been accecpted to do it,it starts next week. Im over the moon! I was so happy when i got that call.
I saw my counsellor today, we had a good session and got back on to talking about my past, an in paticurlar my da and my shit relationship with him now, all my life and my future relationship with him (if there is too be any) well we decided i would write a letter (already what id deciced to do anyway) to him and state all my grieviences about the life he gave me , how he 'raised' me etc, and give a kind of ultimatum at the end that he either wants a relationship with me and will accecpt and admit what he did to me (physical/emotional abuse etc ) and try to resolve some of the issues from our past and move on to try and have some sort of functional relationship in the future or he either refuses to do that and we end our 'relationship'-if thats what you would call it as he has never been there for me througout my whole life,never supported anything i was doing or me in any way , never was a real father to me and how he destroyed my trust in men, how he did lots of shit things, beat me sensless on many occasions…. i do hate him for what he did and as it is we only speak a couple of times a year, and when we do he always fiinds some way to be an asshole to me, to upset me, to fuck me over in some way ……i could go on and on ( as anyone who knows me knows!!!!) but of course i want my own father in my life- but not the man he is and the man he is to me. I know he will probably just ignore the letter or choose the option to end all relations with me but at least i can say i tried one last time to sort things between us, its just something i need to do for me , and for us too But i know all too well what he is like , he has what i like to call 'voluntary amnesia and chooses when to forget what he did and how he treated me and my brothers and ma, and wont even admit to it! Its like he has a split personality….oh fuck i could go on all night but whats the point of really getting into paticulars cos this letter thing is what i am going to do, i kow its going to be hard on me, and im not expecting him to even respond to me or acknowledge it so i guess i cant be disappointed right? anyway im going to write this letter over the next week and show it to my counsellor at our next meeting and were going to go through it together and see what happens.
Im happy im doing this as its something i wanted to do for ages, but my counsellor kept advising me against it, i suppose she didnt want me to have any reason to relapse or put me in a bad place again especially when i was still on methadone and detoxing. But now thats over-even if it is only over a few weeks.This is the route iv decided to take, after all what do they say ;'People, Places & Things' and he is a person who puts me in a bad place every time we speak or have any contact.
Other than the letter my course went really well and im feeling good-about alot of things…. I hope ur all the same (doing good!)
x
thanks for the comments everyone. I know what you mean paris but its somehting i need to do, more for me than for him-cos i know him. It might annoy him, get him thinking , make him repentive but il most likely see none of this. Im still going ahead with it though cos at least i can say to myself ‘well at least I tried’ u know…. xxx
Hi Kizzy
Ejoyed reading your blog. Like what your doing courses sound really good.
Parents strange people some of them. Its odd being one to, but kinda good cause you can leave the shit you experienced with your memories, thats not to say I’m perfect, but am a bit more able to show love and caring to my kids. That’s the gift my father gave me, I was able to see what I did not want my kids to go through, I was able to reflect on my behaviour thanks to many good people who have helped me over the years, wasn’t always this way.
Once upon a time as the story goes, I was a fruit cake. I had a moment of sanity during one of my arguements with my first wife and they were not good arguements. I was arguing or should I say screaming at my wife (I still shudder when I think of thosed times) and she was screaming at me and out of the background I heard this kid screaming it was like I stepped out of my body and could see my baby boy standing up in his cot frightened and crying and hear was these two lunitics screaming at each other. I suddenly stopped looked at my wife and my son and realised I was becoming my father. I told my wife their and then I had to leave and did. It was the start of my recovery. My son is 18 years old now and I had dinner with him last night. I have a great relationship with him, we still hug and always end our talks or visits with Love You. I call him every week and up until recently had him for all his school holidays and every second weekend (he works now).
My father called me 3 times in 23 years, once to tell me when my little brothers funeral was, once to tell me when my oldest sisters funeral was and once when he pressed the wrong button on his phone and thought he was calling the bookies to put a bet on the horses, the last call still cracks me up when I think about it :-).
I was scared of dad most of my life, he’s dead now gased him self in his car, but before he did that I was able to forgive him, within my self, for all the crap he delt me as a kid. I still find times were I start thinking of him and get angry, but I have to let it go. Its strange shit working through parents stuff, but it’s great when you can say to your self I may not be perfect, but I’m not gonna do the same to my kids as my dad did to me.
We can really only ever change our self, the rest of them are as stubbin as hell :-).
I hope your journey is one of healing.
Sorry if I go on a bit.
Mardy