Today is the first time I am writing in a blog. The last 72 hrs of my life have been nothing but dramatic, emotional, and scary. My anxiety is through the roof. I fear the unknown. I am worried about my future and well being. I haven’t been completely honest with everyone in my life other than my mom and dad, the hospital, and lawyer. Sunday night I was arrested for my first, and hopefully ever, DUI. I’ve never been so humiliated, shamed, embarrassed, worried in my entire life. I’ve known for some time now that I’ve had an issue with alcohol. I have a lot of anxiety and I try to curve my anxiety, the symptoms, or try to alleviate some of my emotions by drinking to excess.

Prior to getting this DUI, I was attempting to get into therapy and work with my companies EAP. But continued to run into road blocks and my HR department had to finally step in, but it ended up being too late before they could provide me any answers or solutions. I had been in therapy about a year and half ago but had to stop because of the financial burden… and now I feel like that is ironic because of the financial burden I am about to endure.

Since my arrest, I was let go after I was booked, my car was on a hold for 12 hrs, I picked my car up the next morning, and drove myself to a hospital close to my home. I called them to find out how I could come in for a mental health assessment vs going through the ER. (Mind you I work in the field and at a psychiatric hospital so I am fully aware of how the process works). They said they could have me in at 3 pm, but it was 730 am and I felt like I could wait. So I sat in the ER parking lot, contemplating if  I should go in or not. I ended up calling my mom, who had no idea what had happen. I asked her if she had unconditional love for me, and would she always be there for me. Understandably, she was worried and wanted to know what was wrong and what was going on. I ended up telling her. Telling her what happened and that I was so distraught, I wasn’t sure if I could remain safe, and that I didn’t want to live like this. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare and still do. I still don’t believe any of this is real. I am so fucking worried for my future and what could happen. I ended up having my assessment that afternoon, they recommended a Adult General Mental Health PHP level of care, however, this specific facility wasn’t running one at this time because of short staff. So they referred me to their sister organization. I went in the morning for an assessment. After consulting with the on call psychiatrist he decided I wouldn’t be appropriate for their general mental health program and needed something that focused more on chemical dependency issues. After contemplation and talking things over, we decided on a dual diagnosis day IOP. This will consist of a Monday – Friday program along with Saturdays ( A bit much but I know I need to do this).

I also met with a lawyer this afternoon for a consultation. Ultimately he decided to take my case on and I decided to hire him. Apparently he and his firm are the best in the area, specifically in the county I was arrested in. My mind is going a 100 miles an hour. I start this program tomorrow and I don’t know what to expect as I’ve never been on “this side” of it before. Typically I am the one providing the care. I am worried about the consequences of my DUI. I’m so ashamed. No one, as I said before, knows it happened besides my parents, the hospital, and lawyers. Not even my significant other. We’ve been together for 5 months. The night it happened I took an uber to his house after they towed my car. He questioned me, lectured me for drinking so much, but believed the story I gave him. That I dropped my car off at home and uber’d over to his home. The next morning I woke up early and told him I was going to uber back home. But I took an uber to the towing facility. He knows that I am starting therapy and will be seeing a psychiatrist, but doesn’t know that I am going to be in such an intensive day treatment program for the next couple of weeks. He doesnt know about the DUI or court pending charges. I’m beyond terrified to tell him. We’ve had some ups and downs and he comes from a family of alcoholics. I feel if he knew all of this he would leave me in a minute yet he is the one stable and consistent thing in my life. I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to hide from him. But I am taking this one step and day at a time. And I guess Ill have to cross that bridge when it’s time. For now,  I am working on myself, starting this program, and hoping my lawyers can fight the suspension of my license.

The DUI charge is another story of it’s own. I don’t have any cravings for alcohol, nor have I ever experienced withdrawal symptoms. Like I said, I typically would drink when I had such unbearable anxiety but instead of a drink or two, I’d always drink the whole damn bottle and attempt a second bottle. This is also mixed with not always eating. I have no idea what to expect. I don’t know where this journey will take me. I know I have to be honest with myself and loved ones. I’m so scared for my future and what it will look like. What temptations lie ahead. What do I tell people when they ask? There is just so much going on right now. My mind is on overload. I feel scared and alone. Some friends/co workers no I am going to be on a medical leave of absence and in a treatment program but they don’t the extent of my arrest. And for now, I am going to keep it that way. I feel like I am rambling on and on. I just need to get some of this out. Because I sit here riddled with anxiety, guilt, remorse, and disappointment in myself. I just try to breath and take it one minute at a time. It is all I can do for now. Thanks for listening.


1 Comment
  1. kitmoon 6 years ago

    I’ve never been in this specific situation, but I have alcoholics in my family and I have an addictive personality and have had plenty of “how did I get here my life and future are ruined” moments. I absolutely feel for all the anxiety you’re going through now. I don’t know if this is the first experience you’ve ever had of your life going off the rails, but if so, just remember that firstly, it’s a far more common story than people imagine. People have ‘life accidents’. It happens and you’re not a terrible person for it. You work at a psychiatric hospital, you’ve probably seen that addiction is a pretty common part of being human. People with pain often become addicted, not neccessarily to drugs, but the pain is always a common factor, and very few people make it through life without significant pain at some point, and nobody is born knowing how to deal with it, or had people who could teach them how to deal with it. So addiction happens. And if this crappy situation means you’re going to get some help, that you have the opportunity to come out of it stronger and with less to hide in your life, that is a blessing in my book, and not a small one. I know that will probably sound hollow when you’re right in the midst of it all, but speaking from (repeated) experience, making the decision to ‘out’ yourself as having a problem in order to get help is always one of the scariest parts of the process. It just is. Get yourself across that line however you can, it doesn’t have to be graceful or even brave-looking whatsoever. Afterwards, it will still be difficult, but there are few things as stressful as having to hide something which you fear could destroy your life. Once you’re on the other side of that though, you may find that life actually holds a heck of a lot more options than you ever thought. It’s really weird but that’s often how it works.

    I personally believe that addiction comes from feeling stuck or trapped in some way. Addiction also comes with self-sabotaging behaviours. Something in us wants out of whatever is keeping us stuck. I don’t know if that’s a hopeful thing to read where you’re at right now, but I’ve had my life come off the rails a LOT, and in the process I’ve found myself opting out of a lot of things which I thought I had to have as part of a ‘normal’ life. Everytime I did, life started to look more appealing, not less. I will say one thing, though, that it is often humiliating to give up a certain image of how your life looked to others – but that’s the price you pay for no longer having to hide.

    Hang in there. Keep blogging here if it helps at all!

    0 kudos

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