For the past couple years I suspected I had OCD but I had always thought it was only because that I needed to have everything cleaned and placed in certain order so I never saw it as a bad thing really. For years now I had this strange thoughts, thoughts that just never fit in with my personality. They always made me feel ashamed and guilty as if I had done some unforgivable. I know grace covers us all, I knew God forgave me, but the feeling of shame never left. I’ve had to deal with these tthoughts by myself for years because I thought it was me, that I had to be evil somehow and I always felt so ashamed so I never told anyone. I never knew it was because of my OCD until I looked it up recently. I cant describe how relieved I was to know that i wasn’t evil, that it was just my OCd and that there was a possibility of getting these thoughts to stop. Then I felt as if I need to talk to someone who understood what I was going through so I started to look for support groups. Just knowing I wasn’t alone helped in ways I never thought possible. 
Ive been secluded and isolated nearly my entire life. I was public schooled from first to fifth grade, but after I was bullied I went homeschooled and where I lived it meant i was isolated from everyone. Of course there was my family but they did little to ease my anxiety which triggers my thoughts, I would see my church family on Sunday’s and then there was the occasional trip to the store. But no one knew what I was going through. I kept up such a good facade, I let everyone think that I stayed up till twelve every night because I was just a teenager and I just stayed up writing books. What they didn’t know is I was scared to go to bed, because I night when I try to clear my mind to be able to sleep, ‘the thoughts’ would intrude and ruin any chance of sleeping. So I stayed up until I was so tired I fell right to sleep, but then when I would wake up in the early morning, before anyone else was awake so i never got up, those thoughts were othe worst.
i never told anyone, I suffered through the guilt and shame alone. That is how I felt my entire young life, as if there was something so wrong with me, and all I wanted was to be normal. Surely no one else had these horrible shamful thoughts, maybe I was really alone. 
For a brief couple days my intrusive thoughts turned to suicide. They taunted me, telling me no one cared, no one would miss me if I just ended my life. The world would be so much better off without me in it.
of course I fought against these thoughts tooth and nail!!! I didnt want to end my life. I loved my life except for my thoughts. I loved my family, my animals and my Lord. I had no good reason to end my life. I didnt want to end my life but those thoughts kept budging in. Thankfully they stopped but my other intrusive thoughts returned. 
Of course even today they taunt me. Every time I talk to a friend, family, even God, these thoughts would barge in and tell me they don’t care. Why would they care about me? I didn’t deserve to be cared about. 
It takes every fiber of my being to tell those thoughts that they are wrong, that they love me, That God loved me. 
God loves you too. You may give up on yourself, but He never will. That is what has kept me going for so long. And that is what will keep me going.