For the past couple years I suspected I had OCD but I had always thought it was only because that I needed to have everything cleaned and placed in certain order so I never saw it as a bad thing really. For years now I had this strange thoughts, thoughts that just never fit in with my personality. They always made me feel ashamed and guilty as if I had done some unforgivable. I know grace covers us all, I knew God forgave me, but the feeling of shame never left. I’ve had to deal with these tthoughts by myself for years because I thought it was me, that I had to be evil somehow and I always felt so ashamed so I never told anyone. I never knew it was because of my OCD until I looked it up recently. I cant describe how relieved I was to know that i wasn’t evil, that it was just my OCd and that there was a possibility of getting these thoughts to stop. Then I felt as if I need to talk to someone who understood what I was going through so I started to look for support groups. Just knowing I wasn’t alone helped in ways I never thought possible. 
Ive been secluded and isolated nearly my entire life. I was public schooled from first to fifth grade, but after I was bullied I went homeschooled and where I lived it meant i was isolated from everyone. Of course there was my family but they did little to ease my anxiety which triggers my thoughts, I would see my church family on Sunday’s and then there was the occasional trip to the store. But no one knew what I was going through. I kept up such a good facade, I let everyone think that I stayed up till twelve every night because I was just a teenager and I just stayed up writing books. What they didn’t know is I was scared to go to bed, because I night when I try to clear my mind to be able to sleep, ‘the thoughts’ would intrude and ruin any chance of sleeping. So I stayed up until I was so tired I fell right to sleep, but then when I would wake up in the early morning, before anyone else was awake so i never got up, those thoughts were othe worst.
i never told anyone, I suffered through the guilt and shame alone. That is how I felt my entire young life, as if there was something so wrong with me, and all I wanted was to be normal. Surely no one else had these horrible shamful thoughts, maybe I was really alone. 
For a brief couple days my intrusive thoughts turned to suicide. They taunted me, telling me no one cared, no one would miss me if I just ended my life. The world would be so much better off without me in it.
of course I fought against these thoughts tooth and nail!!! I didnt want to end my life. I loved my life except for my thoughts. I loved my family, my animals and my Lord. I had no good reason to end my life. I didnt want to end my life but those thoughts kept budging in. Thankfully they stopped but my other intrusive thoughts returned. 
Of course even today they taunt me. Every time I talk to a friend, family, even God, these thoughts would barge in and tell me they don’t care. Why would they care about me? I didn’t deserve to be cared about. 
It takes every fiber of my being to tell those thoughts that they are wrong, that they love me, That God loved me. 
God loves you too. You may give up on yourself, but He never will. That is what has kept me going for so long. And that is what will keep me going.

3 Comments
  1. ocd_16 6 years ago

    Hey Emera, I just read ur blog and wanted to comment on it because it speaks to me from personal experiences. I am a Christian, have been since I was young. I was diagnosed with ocd at a very young age and dealt many times with intrusive thoughts. I too thought something was wrong with me that these thoughts were evil and horrid and no sane human being could ever have these thoughts. They were unspeakable. I was ashamed which lead me to feel distant to God. I was embarrassed to tell anybody (especially cuz I was afraid of what the actually diagnosis would be that I’m actually crazy Lol). HOWEVER.. Turns out it is ocd. Many, many people struggle with these EXACT SAME THOUGHTS. Crazy right?? That some stranger billions of miles away of no real blood relation can experience the same thoughts and fears. When I got into therapy (at a young age) all of this was revealed to me. I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy, that this was a sick and morbid “normal” chemical imbalance in the brain and that these thoughts can actually be controlled by medicine. I searched many years, nearly a decade, b4 I found a medicine that truly helped my intrusive thoughts go away. Other medicines would help my ritualistic habits and to just say no to ocd’s silly requests, but never truly make the nightmare of intrusive thoughts disappear until 1 day….. BAM, God had allowed me to interact with several people that lead me to an SSRI drug that I never tried b4 because it is normally used for actual depression. No true connections or reasons for a physician to prescribe u this drug for ocd, but after doing some research and getting tips from others I was desperate to get relief from the thoughts and amazingly enough, it worked. I’m saying all of this to say.. Don’t give up. God is going to see u thru and u’re struggling wit this to learn to depend on Him. It’s the days/nights that u don’t feel His presence that are the hardest but just know that within those days/nights, He is right there with u even though u feel distant. He has perfect timing (unlike our unwillingness to wait or lack of patience) and He will always come thru. He has a crazy way of showing “sliver linings” within the storms of life. If u need to talk, u have a friend wit me :). Good luck and best wishes!

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  2. Author
    emera 6 years ago

    @ocd_16
    Thanks for the reply, I starting to wonder if anyone even read my one blog lol.
    I’ve started to take Saint John wort, a natural root that acts as an antidepressant, I take valerian, another natural thing, with melatonin at night to help me sleep. As long as I go to sleep, my thoughts aren’t intruded upon as bad. But I still stay up till 12 every night as a precaution. They haven’t been so bad since, admittedly during the day I’ll catch ‘flashes’ of the thoughts but not as bad as they would be at night. But for some reason, since the thoughts have sort of receded, I’ve started to have minor anxiety attacks. I’ve had them before but I never knew what they were until of late. They seem to be getting somewhat worse and I can’t help but wonder if it’s all in my head.

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  3. Geekgirl114 6 years ago

    I think the intrusive thoughts are the hardest thing to deal with. Like you, I had absolutely no idea they were part of my OCD, and I thought that I must have been going crazy. No one really talks about that aspect of OCD very much. I felt very ashamed and also scared, because I would visualise and think about these awful things that I didn’t really belive or want to think about. My therapist described it like this: the mind is like a spider web, and the intrusive thoughts are like bugs. The more we actively try to push those thoughts out of our head, the more stuck in the web the bugs become. If we don’t acknowledge the thought and let it pass, without reacting, the bug simply falls through the web. Most of the time I’m okay with this, but if I’m tired or particularly anxious, I really struggle and the bugs get stuck. Thanks so much for sharing your experience because it makes me feel less crazy, I’m sorry that you’ve had a tough time dealing with this stuff.

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