Music: ‘This Is What You Wanted’ / Mesh – ‘This is what you wanted, this is what you pray for every day, this is what you needed them to say, and you’re just so tired, but this life’s just getting in the way – God only knows how you sleep at night, God only knows how you face the light – now you have to go back home too face the world alone….’ [br][br]It doesn’t really relate to how I feel right now, but it relates to an old story I wrote, which I was just reading and editing and fairly shocked by the memory of, etc.[br][br]I had a CT scan today.  I feel really strange.  Anyone else ever had one?  It’s not a tunnel, it’s this big white ring and you lie on a bed and your head goes in and out and you can look up and see the giant wheel spinning quickly around, and little green and red lights blinking.  My whole head instantly felt hot and tingly from the radiation.  It was over quite soon but afterwards, for about ten minutes, I felt like I’d been using a mobile phone for too long.  Then it went away and I seemed to feel normal again.  [br][br]Now, though, I realise I still feel a bit strange, a bit hot, a bit tingly.  Now I’m worrying I’ve just given myself brain cancer.  But you know…let’s try to be logical here: tons of people have these things done, and have done for years and years, and really if anything’s going to give me cancer it really is the mobile phone…or this computer…or (and this is the biggest likelihood) everyone ELSE’S mobile phones around me all the time on trains and in shopping centres.  I actually keep mine switched off most of the time because of the radiation, but you can’t control the public.[br][br]I get to see the results on the 25th.  It could be sooner, but I’ve got the wedding to deal with NEXT WEEK (!!).  So there’s plenty to look forward to, these next two months, it seems.  I’m partly nervous about seeing the photos and having it explained to me.  What if it turns out I’ve got a benign tumour?  Or I have brain lesions?  How strange would that be?  Most likely, though, there will be nothing.  I just want to see it, though – to see the thing that has caused me so much trouble all my life, the thing I’m stuck with for the next maybe 60 years.  If I’m going to make friends with this thing, I’d like to know what it looks like.

1 Comment
  1. niki 14 years ago

    First of all I want you to know that I love Mesh( they are great live) Second I have about three CT scans Three MRIU’s and a MRA because I was convicned that I had a brain tumor. I was finally talked out of the idea when a excellent neouligist did and exam ordered a bunch of tests and told me I was fiune. I still worry when my head hurts of my head feels so heavy that it is going to fall off.  ut don’t panic get the results and try to move on. One thing that really helped me was that I kept the paper that said I was fine close to me so whenever I was in dount I had proof that I was all good.

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