so i meant to get all this stuff done today and i got most of it done but i just couldn't bring myself to do wedding planning.  i mean, i sat and thought about it, and i realised it's not quite as scary as i thought.  in a few weeks i've got an appt to get my accessories, so that'll be sorted.  so then it's just a matter of booking a videographer, a beautician, picking a hair salon and nail salon…handmaking the decorations and picking out some party food from M&S (but that can be done way closer to the date)…um…george has to pick out his clothes but that's nothing to do with me…and sort out the invitations.  so really what is that – making lots of phone calls but it's not that bad.  not as bad as i was making it out to be in my head.  i mean, this isn't some huge wedding.  oh yeah, drinks and a bus to drive everyone i guess, too.  but still.  i need to remember not to take all this on, myself, though.  i have such a tendency of doing everything myself, but really it's okay to ask for help, i need to trust others to do things properly. [br][br] this whole guest list business though, for the invitations, that's what gets me.  i made this grandiose plan of sending invitations to all these people even if i know they can't come, and i'm still fine with that in theory, it's just that it feels weird cause like six months ago it made sense and now it's like…already in the space of six months i no longer talk to half those people ever and i don't really care if i never speak to them again, i mean…myspace, for instance, really lets you stay in touch with everyone you ever meet all your life, and i'm thinking that's not really a good idea.  in most cases, you stop talking to people for a reason, and i don't really want everyone finding me.  i mean, it was great at first, for like a month or two?  and then it was like…no i really don't want this!  so anyway.  and then, with all the declinations so far, due to money or people getting pregnant or whatever, it turns out i think i'm going to have a grand total of maybe 10 people attending (potentially!) and george will have like 30-40.  no kidding. [br][br] and i don't care about the numbers, what really is getting me is that it just drives it home to me that i've got like NO family.  george's guest list is mostly family, and they're all close, they're all friends, it's not like huge extended family, it's like just parents, brother, first cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents, he talks to all of them.  and i know they accept me with open arms and they're like my surrogate family but you know, none of them remembers me as a baby, none of them played with me as a child, none of them looks like me, and it really shouldn't matter, and most of the time it doesn't, but you know…every now and then you just can't help feeling upset about remembering your family is all either dead or actually told you they hated you and then decided never to speak to you again.  like yeah, that bugs me, to say the least. [br][br] and i mean, to be fair, i hate them all too, because they're that sort of people, but you know, it hurts that i was even born into such a family at all.  and i know, i know, i'm starting my own family, i've got george and percy, yeah, that's all true, but you know, george isn't the start of the family line, his line stretches back quite far.  i feel like my side starts with me.  i guess it starts with my parents but like…i don't know, it kinda feels more like it's just me, maybe 'cause they're divorced and don't really speak and i feel so independent of them myself.  anyway, it's pressuring and lonely at the top of the chain, sometimes. [br][br] hey so, on a totally different note – help me out here: if there's a character in a story who is quite a strong defiant woman, but also quite seductive and charming and coy and maybe a bit wiley, and cute but as though she's hiding a dark secret, like a hidden persona that's maybe not as nice as the surface comes off, dark hair, dark eyes, quite light skin, fairly petite, quite pretty, perhaps a bit innocent-seeming at first but actually secretly quite physical and aggressive…what do you think she'd be called?  so i can't find my baby names book anywhere, and it's so old it was pretty lame anyway and i tried looking online but there are just sooooo many options, it was hard to focus, but okay i thought of: [br][br] desiree (i liked the meaning, of longing for something) [br][br] rae [br][br] audrey (which apparently means strong, but maybe it'd be too hard to separate the name from audrey hepburn?) [br][br] any favourite there?  or any other suggestions entirely??

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