i haven't written here in a while . Not because I was miraculously cured . But things have been "stable" for the most part. You know you have the odd day where you miss your meds and your a little on edge ect nothing major. Until today . I am currently in the midst of the worst panic attack I have had in years. Last night was our work Xmas party and working at the liquor store that obviously involves drinking and ohhhhh did I ever drink . But I danced a lot too lol we all went to a couple of clubs and at the last one I met a group of girls who were doing all these awesome dance moves (I sound like Napoleon dynamite but I swear I'm not a weirdo lol) anyways I asked the girls to teach me what they were doing and was dancing and having a good time I had ONE drink while I was at this particular bar…. I know I only had one because I only had enough money on me for ONE drink . Anyways the last thing I remember was hugging the girl who I was dancing with and telling her thanks and I remember getting my purse from one of the guys at work and my coat and then I can't remember anything until I was sitting in a cab in front of my apartment and had no money on me …. Calling my boyfriend and going to his place and him paying for my cab . I woke up at his house this morning still in my dress ….. And he had already left for work and right away I got a knot in my stomach and the anxiety started . I had drank a lot but not to the point where I would black out . The fack that I don't remember leaving the club and walking to get the cab scares the hell out of me and rationally I know nothing happened and I am totally fine but the fact that something bad could have happened had me rattled . I haven't been able to get the anxiety to subside . The only thing that has helped me stop shaking and my heart rate to go down has been writing this blog . I called and made an appointment to see my doctor next week and I think I'm going to start going to a psychologist regularly again . I kind of wonder if maybe that's an over reaction and how I feel today is just a by product of the alcohol last night but I never want to feel like this again . I'm always so put together and I'm the one everyone else goes to for help or to talk I'm not used to needing people or turning to people to help me and today when I realized rich was at work and so was everyone else . Maybe it's silly to have anxiety about " what could have happened " but I do. Sorry for ranting I just needed the ten minutes of relief that writing this gave me .