I am so mad at myself. Mad that I gained back like 5 pounds in less than a month, mad that I suck at managing my money, mad that I even freaking exist. My brain makes everything harder.

I'm mad that I had all these sexual traumas that have made me the messed up person I am today. I'm mad that I don't know anything anymore. I once was very intelligent and now I have turned to muck in the brain. I'm mad that I get freaking hot flashes all the time, and the only way to get around it is to go off my meds that make it so I can function.

I'm mad that I've had to work so many crappy jobs. I'm mad that I sell myself short. I'm mad that I've been fired 4 times in my life. I'm mad that I've had to apply for unemployment twice. I'm mad that I am stuck and unable to move. I'm mad that I live in Lynden WA and I hate this town and all it represents. I'm mad that my fiance doesn't have ocd or struggle with his weight or money. I'm mad that there are no support groups locally for ocd. I'm mad that money doesn't grow on trees. I'm mad that time even freaking exists. I'm mad that I have to have a wedding in order to be married. I'm mad that my neigbors stay up all hours of the night being really loud and inconsiderate.

I'm mad that I never crave sex with my fiance. I'm mad that I get messed up images in my head. I take the most taboo, socially unacceptable things and obsess on those: Feces, Urine, Beastiality, Pedophillia. Why can't I obsess about something normal like counting or washing my hands. Atleast you can explain that to people without being outcast.

I feel outcast. I feel neglected. I feel abused. I feel traumatized. I feel isolated. I feel bullied. I feel unworthy. I feel fat. I feel stupid. I feel guarded. I feel disgusting.


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