March 1, was a cold windy day where it bit to the bone,and it was getting into the evening hours yet I felt compelled to step outside the house. Simple things sometimes become not so simple I was at a point where I was struggling to even get this done. In my mind I knew that in order to do this I must calm and quiet it down but I lacked the strength in me. I remember just puting my hands to gether and just asking God for the strength to do just this simple one thing. I finally put my shoes on, my coat, and a scarf that I use to tie around my head. The goal I had picked was short, not a long walk at all 15-20 minutes tops, and of course I took my time. For me this was just long enough to go down the gravel road that I had planned on and back to my favorite show. I started off on my plan and the more I walked the more that I felt the cold march wind bite down on my skin, it went through my coat and up to my face. This is okay I though I can do this, while the other part of me said you mide as well be nuts, hurry up and go home. I knew that this walk was important to me, for it was helping me stay in control of my mind instead of my mind controlling me. It was at the end of the road where I needed to turn around, without a large gain I thought except for being able to step outside the door. when I came back my twin son Nick, said, mom, you could of catched yourself a deathof cold. I needed to do this spiritually Nick, I said back to him. Sometimes it takes baby steps to accomplish the bigger picture that is planed for us down the road, and even though we feel like giving up, we know we can’t. It is important to care for ourselves even though many times we think no one cares about us. It is also far more important to find this that we love to do that is worth our existence of fulllfillment. many atime we forget about the simple this cause we are so much caugth up with the more imortant responsibilities that we must do.
I am afraid of expressing my feelings but sometimes we must do this, and we must try to find constructive ways of doing so. I struggle like everyone else and usually it is me who is trying to give spiritual strength to family members. I do worry a lot about them. It is funny when you see me here at home and George’s truck takes off. I run to the front balcony to see them off, and the race begins I once told myself while I was writing my story. You can see the vehicle go down the gravel road, then there is a waiting period cause they must wait for the on coming traffic. Then you can see them after their turn on the highway and off they go, but if I miss it or am fast enough you can run real fast through the house and see them from my back door. Highway 149 runs above. I don’t know why I do this except for the fact that I love them so much I hate to see them leave, so I guess I tell myself i will see them off for as far as I possibly can. I realize we must love ourselves just as much or it is important to do so, but sometimes we tend to forget to live, like we were meant to live, how God really wanted us to exist.
Sometimes it is dark thoughts of hurting ourselves that pass through our minds, or rituals beyond our control, and that might stop us from living out life to the fullest. I don’t think we were meant to be spectators in this life, but sometimes it seems that way! I am working on doing creative writing every chance I get, many times I really need to push myself to make that effort, and it is taking me a lot longer that I thought. Still I have not given up on the idea of writing. There is many responsibilities that get in the way, but this is one thing to me that doesn’t seem like work!
God bless everyone, hope it helps a little bit to some. Take care of yourselves, and love yourselves, love, ekaterini