My mind has raced this morning with the emence desire to be understood. There was a time when I recall feeling completely isolated, completely crazy and was convinced that no one would /could understand. Then I met other addicts. With that came an eye opening relief that I was not alone. Even for myself, with my many boundries, I felt a unified understanding; a common thread that held each of us together and opened our eyes to see we could be understood. I am still facinated and amused at the great minds at work within our community of addicts. its probably a good thing that addicts tend to isolate because the combined creativity of such like minds could probably rule the world. And the reaction of such like minds to the diabolical schemes of the past of a fellow addict are met with amusement and a twisted sense of appreciation — because we understand. As thankful as I am for the knowledge that I am not alone, my struggle is now shifted tothe frustration of once again not being understood, only now by the non-addicts. Not all of them — the vast majority I can honestly say that I really dont care what they think. whether this be ignorance or a blessing I am not sure at this point. But I dont care. I am struggling with those that I wish to let into the fotress that I protect myself with. I have struggled with the ydea that if they only tried to understand me then that would be enough. At the time I think I believed that by trying, they would just naturally "get it". As I reflect back on those first moments of understanding with other addicts I now realize that the understanding of this by non-addicts will always come with limitations. At this very moment as I realize this, I am of heavy heart. The weight that I felt lifted as I realized that I am not alone is now once again being shouldered in part. Perhaps I have known this and been denying it. I believe my desire to be understood is just so great that my magical thinking could just make it so. I am trying to find hope in once believing that No one could understand and then realizing that I was wrong. Perhaps I am wrong now as well. Maybe understanding is too much to expect. If I could find awareness — that I can be understood with the exception of this flawed puzzle piece and with that gain acceptance ; acceptance that it is real and that it is not to be fully understood… perhaps that is enough.


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