i just found out a freind of mine lost her baby.  im sad for her, and but i dont know what to say.  when james died all i heard was "im sorry" and it didnt make anything better.  death is horrible its permanent and its scary.  i dont know where james went when he died and i dont know where this baby went either.  heaven, hell, its all the same.  who am i to say what is real.  sometimes i feel like he's around here watching, but other times theres nothing.  im alone.  its been over a year a qucikly gaining on two.  thats a long time and i still sometimes miss him the way i did the night i found out.  just like that he was gone and i couldnt tell him anything to change it.  i cried for days.  my relationship with james was unlike any other i had engaged in.  i didnt need to explain myself to him and he didnt need to answer to me.  we were free in the best way and yet madly attached to eachother.  but one morning he didnt wake up, and i havent since. 

i guess i do in a way know how she feels, loosing her baby.  when i was nineteen and stupid, i miscarried a baby i didnt know i was pregnant with.  it turned out i was only a few weeks along and just not ready as they say.  it was three days after my boyfreind at the time informed me he had been cheating on me and i should probably leave… i was heartbroken, by him, by my lose and by my stupid chocies.  had i been paying attention i would have noticed all the times i skipped a pill or all the times he stayed after work, or came home late.  i choose never to tell him, i wanted to be mature and move on like he told me to do.  i wanted to forget how foolish i had been.  for years i never told anyone about the miscarriage, because i didnt feel the need to.  it wasnt something i wanted to discuss.  no one besides my doctor knew.  but as i got older i kept meeting woman who had tried so hard and could not get pregnant, or kept haveing miscarriages.  i saw how depressed it made them, how horrible an experience it had been, and i thought to myself, why wasnt i upset like that?  because i knew deep down that having a baby was not suppose to happen to me.  im just meant to be a mom.  and thats okay with me, but its not okay for other woman.  and im sorry for that.  im also sorry a mother has to loose her son at the age of twenty one.  for no reason, known to us. 

none of this makes sense to me, why so much pain?