I pretended to be normal for a few weeks, but actually it was just an excuse to be addicted and obsessed without being bothered. I didn’t go for the old usual intrusive thoughts, I chose new ones, and I told myself that this ones were allowed, that they were not damaging me. I used the fact that I just realized that I like girls as an excuse to overthink and to avoid studying for an exam. And i didn’t pass it of course.
I started to think that probably every crush I had since now was just my search for validation in other people. So I never felt actual feelings for anyone, I wasn’t really caring about them. It’s just a little sad to think that I have no idea of what love is, since other people seem to know. Anyway I feel like I could have hurt them all, if just someone had felt something real for me. It’s almost lucky that it never happened.
I know, it doesn’t matter if I like girls or guys. I just wish I could have all the knowledge possible, that I could stop being confused. But I guess I’ll try not to think about what is going to happen from now on, because now the only thing I got from this was intrusive thoughts. It’s amazing how you can fool yourself with thinking that you’re entitled to do what you’re doing, that you’re not sick, all this is normal.
I just wish I could stop having all this secrets. Stop feeling ashamed because I get addicted or obsessed on all this. I keep on thinking “what will my family say if they knew?” I am just afraid that they won’t look at me in the same way, that they will think I’ve changed, while I was like this the whole time.