I pretended to be normal for a few weeks, but actually it was just an excuse to be addicted and obsessed without being bothered. I didn’t go for the old usual intrusive thoughts, I chose new ones, and I told myself that this ones were allowed, that they were not damaging me. I used the fact that I just realized that I like girls as an excuse to overthink and to avoid studying for an exam. And i didn’t pass it of course.

I started to think that probably every crush I had since now was just my search for validation in other people. So I never felt actual feelings for anyone, I wasn’t really caring about them. It’s just a little sad to think that I have no idea of what love is, since other people seem to know. Anyway I feel like I could have hurt them all, if just someone had felt something real for me. It’s almost lucky that it never happened.

I know, it doesn’t matter if I like girls or guys. I just wish I could have all the knowledge possible, that I could stop being confused. But I guess I’ll try not to think about what is going to happen from now on, because now the only thing I got from this was intrusive thoughts. It’s amazing how you can fool yourself with thinking that you’re entitled to do what you’re doing, that you’re not sick, all this is normal.

I just wish I could stop having all this secrets. Stop feeling ashamed because I get addicted or obsessed on all this. I keep on thinking “what will my family say if they knew?” I am just afraid that they won’t look at me in the same way, that they will think I’ve changed, while I was like this the whole time.

2 Comments
  1. glacialmoon1218 6 months ago

    maybe you need to learn to accept yourself and value yourself. its ok that you havent found all the answers about love. keep an open mind and open heart, for yourself as well as for those you meet. wish i had answers about the family stuff but that is always tough; we never know how the fam will react when we come out. whether your fam is supportive or not, there will always be people who love you.

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  2. Author
    fras 6 months ago

    Thank you, I’ll try to. It’s really scary that we don’t know how other people will react to this. I’ve always thought it wouldn’t have been a big deal if I ever realized it but actually it’s not that easy. The scary thing is that there’s no way to come back as how it was before, once you said it.

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