I just started this blog and honestly I don’t know what to write , today was very emotional day, as I had my last exam in pediatrics , I had examined a 2 year old child who had urosepsis with high fever, now his condition is stable.
The first part of the exam went not that bad, even though I heard the dr saying paranoia or something and I had this thoughts that they were talking about me. I felt sad and angry , and i remembered that i was in mental hospital in march 2015 and i could not focus on the exam very well.

The second part of the exam was oral and the doctors were so annoying
I had answered all the questions maybe not the perfect way, but i had answered enough and I don’t deserve the bad mark that they gave , im not angry because I did not get good mark, Im angry that i was crying in front of the examiners which made me feel worse , i don’t really mind getting bad grads ,but i don’t want to cry in front of anyone and its very unusual of me to cry in front people , how about examiners!

I went back to my apartment and i took lusy my dog for a walk, so i don’t spend the time crying on something I can not change , i know i can not change being in that scary hospital or what my family think of me or anyone , but i can at lest try to change my life for the better with the help of god . there is that man who I love and i want to merry but my relationship with him is not clear and this puts pressure on me.

so this is the first issue sometimes he loves me sometime i don’t know whats he is thinking , and because of the pressure of my study it feels like im happy this way and im afraid to ask him will we continue or what

other issue is my therapist , i feel i don’t like her and she does not like me and i don’t know if its only my mind thinking she just think im a louser and hopeless person who went to mental hospital and that my life is over and i should not be a doctor.i feel i have the erge to go back to my previous therapist at least he was kind or maybe i felt more with man therapist then a woman for sure to have my condition stable is the most important thing i want.

other issue is my psychiatrist , he is my dr since 2010 i feel too much attached to him it feels sometime like dady which makes me feel stupid
sometime i love like a man other time i consider him just like a dad which is confusing also , but mostly im looking as him as a role model and i want to be like him a good doctor like him or better who knows 😛

13.02.2017
Today in my university i have started my last semester in medical school , i do not know what im feeling, but obviously i’m afraid of the future , afraid of going back to my country where there is zero freedom for woman. when i think about that it actually make me sick to my stomach. anyhow back to today , i started my classes at the otolaryngology department today i did not see any patients , i just had classes like theoretical ones, one was about nose bleeding and the other one about facial nerve paralysis , it was good day and the doctors later made us watch some movies about ent examination , i still have the anxiety and i think its increasing this semester , because im afraid of failing. the other i will be back mostly to saudi arabia after graduation because im on scholarship , but im planning to go there for one year have my internship and apply once again to other scholarship to do residency in dermatology i hope things work well for this semester , about my ocd what im noticing right now its mostly something to do with people faces and their facial movements , very annoying , im trying to ignore but its very annoying , what else i have this wired feeling in my hands like its feels so heavy and spastic what ever its called , im afraid also of talking to myself in public. in of the story afraid of everything , but i know it always like that the end of things are scary the beginning
of new things is mostly scary all of us need some time to adapt to new life situations , unfortunately not everything is easy, everyone needs to keep going to catch their goals. hopefully things will be fine.

14.02.2017
Today was my second day at the otolaryngology ward , i have seen a surgery of a man with a tumor in his tongue , they had to cut half of his tongue and reconstructed the tongue with skin, muscles and nerves from his arm. later on I went to the clinic and I have seen a man with recurrent laryngeal cancer , the man nearly lost his voice and tumor is obstructing is so big and obstructing with his breathing. after the classes me and my colleague went out for lunch , its long time i have not go anywhere with someone so it was strange feeling ,like i feel like the old me , i dont know what is the difference between the old me and the new me , anyway my plans for today is to go to fix my nails and go out with the dog for a walk , just im trying not to think about graduation so much and for sure about going back to saudi arabia and doing the internship there , my plans were to try to graduate and do the internship in poland and later and do the speciality here , but since the center for languages can not register me before having my diploma and they also wants me to wait for about 6 months to do the test in medical polish language and im not sure will pass that exam or not , its better just to go back for one year and apply again for another scholarship to specialize.
27.02.2017
Today was my first day of the psychiatry course.it was a long day we had only seminar from 8:00 a.m until 2:00 p.m it was an introduction about mental illness , honestly i don’t know i felt wired.its not that unusual from me. i’m wired all the time or lets say most of the time.the doctor name is the same as the doctor who is responsible about my treatment.i felt sad actually
because i remember being in the psychiatric hospital in 2015 and for me it felt as if i had a heart attack or something in that year.i have also practical classes in a psychiatric hospital and what make things worse is that everyday in a different places so its very hard for me to concentrate
i well see what can i do to make this course finish with peace.
28.02.2017
Today was rough day i started psychiatry course yesterday and i feel confused. Today we had a lecture about mood disorder and about depression and bipolar disease , right now all what im thinking about is graduation for me graduation is very important, its not that i want to be a doctor , the point is that i don’t want to need others , i want to be dependent on myself as much as i can.what else about today we watched a movie about anorexia , and also a movie about a man who was a surgeon and he admitted him self into a psychiatric hospital i think he is very brave to have done that and is talking about it now. tomorrow i will have classes in a psychiatric hospital ward i hope i wont be so confused thats all about for today.
1.03.2017
Today was my first day at the psychiatric ward.Well not as a patient but as a medical student. I felt very sad and angry.I just can not believe i was in such a place , i can not believe i left myself in such a place. its just very damaging to my soul very unexpected event in my life. I know things do happen, but not as worse as that.I Just want to learn how to cope with this
my therapist never gave me an idea about how to cope with this. it just so hard , I sometime do question why did that happen to me , or why did i allow it to happen. I know everything do happen for a reason but not as tough as that,I just don’t have any close friends , no enough family to support when your family is there it does not mean they feel your pain.maybe I should learn how to live my life with this pain. I did very stupid things in the past , i started my psychotherapy alone, i fall in love with my psychiatrist and i allowed myself to be so attached to him , I quit my psychotherapy by myself.i isolated myself from the world because i was or i’m still dissociated i even don’t know , i did all d