It was Christmas, Julians very first. I still lived in Mi and I was spending it with my fiancé and his daughter. I took him and his daughter along with our son into the other room. I took our babies shirt off and bent down on one knee. As I held our son up to my love, His onesie read- “Will you marry me?” I cried as I gave my heartfelt speech, and gave him his ring. He accepted.

 

Due to my fiancé and I’s actions I knew I needed a change. I knew I had to take my son and move home. Out of Michigan where everything was just “too simple”. Driving past old roads were triggers. Mi fiancé was born there, so he still has love for Mi. I never did and NEVER will. I hated it there and I have lived so many places. I know addiction is everywhere and you cannot run from your problems. Well as much as that is true- I sure as hell can make things eaiser on myself.

 

Atleast I thought I was.. My fiancé and I hardly see one another now. It feels as though we are just part time lovers.  I know that we love one another. I know we make a great pair. I only see him once a month or so. Its so hard on our son. He’s only 18 months so hopefully he wont remember the times :daddy wasnt around:. But Im growing SO tired of doing this by myself!! And how can anyone want to be away from their growing baby!? I cant fathom it. I really cant. There is so much room in my bed..  its depressing.

 

I feel like a single mother. Though- if I portray my life that way, my fiancé gets mad at me?! And tells me I need to make a post about loving him on facebook so everyone will know?? These things are confusing to me, why is that what is important?? Why aren’t you more worried about being with your family? Then he makes excuses. So many excuses.. As to why hes not ready, or why he just cant yet. THEN! – He complains and says ” I dont feel like you really want me there” So I spend the next few days trying to convince him that, thats all Ive ever wanted! His reaction was getting upset with me and telling me I was then pressuring him. That hes “trying his hardest”.

 

I dont know what exactly to do about my relationship. I do know this- I need to focus on myself and my recovery. My health is number one at the moment. My son as well of course. I just wish I didnt feel so alone in raising my son. I also feel like I want someone worthy of my son. I want someone who will treat him right and give him the love and attention he deserves. Do you have a part time lover? How do you cope? What tools do you use to make things eaiser on yourself? 

Til Next time all <3

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