dunno really i never write on here but im at work and i cant focus cause my brain keeps gnawing on my head….  im going to a young peeps conference in cleveland this weekend which im totally pumped for, but this past weekend, my next door neighbor (a normie and a police officer) hung himself. And one of my "kids" from the high school aa mtg i started, was killed in a drug related car crash this past weekend.   ANd that is messing with me….  I have been through a lot of tragedy and joy in recovery but i think the feeling of "what could i have done?"  is f***ing with me?  I know im not responsible for what happened, but at the same time, im such a sensetive sap, I dunno why whenever there is a tragedy that happens near me, even if im not directly involved, i get this crazy overwhelming survivor's guilt, like, i don't deserve to be here and how could GOD have saved a wretch like me, when there was a 16 year old who had his whole life ahead of him, and now there is a 5 year old girl without her daddy….  What did i do to deserve GOD's Grace???  I realize this is rambling, but at the same time, i am responsible when anyone anywhere reaches out for help….  its hard for me not to replay in my mind if i did do what i could in my own life and program to be of service to the still sick and suffering inside and outside the rooms of AA……

 Im just venting my head on to the computer, these are just my thoughts at the moment…..  I am grateful for a loving HP who has given me things like online blogs to pour my head out onto when my "isms" decide to use the inside of my head as a buffet line…….