I cry for the years I lost myself, like unread book on shelf

no one asked how are you. no one cared if I hurt all the way through

I screamed from inside please help dissociated woman girl

if one more person judges me I\'ll hurl!

Lost in time of age five & eleven

Cried in my heart, & bed

dragged out by the hair on my head

To prance in front of sailors my mother said

You tell and I\'ll kill you right where your stand

took by a stepfather by the hand

and took all the beatings & molestations my fault

no one believed me, no way to put to a halt

the trauma that I buried so deep

but my subconscious mind began to seep

into every action & inaction I took

I  lived with a mother who was a crook!

She also a killer, I saw it! 

Hid from my own torture by staying lit

52 years I hid inside me screaming I\'m in here

to anyone who would listen & I not fear

lost to myself until now

no one believes I rendered unable to learn by experience

Say all kinds of nasty, ugly mean words of nonsense

 I have spiritual gifts, God gave them to me

I remember God when I was one & a half

When I share that others laugh

But when I get God gushes I know

pain of life is God awaiting to show

I am being prepared for much bigger gifts

When all supposed spiritual 12 step spits

on this old timer come back again

not believe I inside, yes I\'m within!

brain in confusion from Cymbalta for three years

I laid because I faltered when I stood

yet world spit on me, called me homeless whore

 no sex for better then seven years or more

The world rejected me once again even though I loved deep

I laid in  my own body\'s waste

Family let me die in Cymbalta haze  head case

zombie vegetable with cinder blocks

feeling like I\'d self combust & unable to walk

spit on, yelled at to snap out of it

Yelled at so much my head went fitz

unable to see with human eyes

prayed to God to help me rise

 triggered to hell in childish place

where children run riot over the weaker face

 yet in my heart & mind I lived in spiritual bliss

an angel came and spoke to me

told me to let murderer mother & callous family go

move forward in forgiveness l can flow

Let Robbie\'s murder and my survivor\'s guilt pass

on to God I give my life

family\'s life nothing but strife

no place safe there then & now

I not see that when I walked in

twenty years had come and gone then

But I not understand they were so sick

none of their property or selfish snobbery will do or undo

 damage of sacrificing me to scream while head in toilet poo

getting their beatings, clubbed half to death & put in drawer

I lived in spite of rapes, stomping & kicked to floor

I went away inside of me for over forty years

incapable of learning because of panic, timidity & fears

no one believe I not able  to so they put me out in streets

where I not recognize dangerous creeps

I trusted the untrustables just like my mom

Even though I balls to wall try not to be conned

I learn facts, tasks and jobs

I did them over hundreds of times with club over my head

she made me eat what I vomited, I went unfed

 if I so much as think one good thing about self

she kill me and I believed her too!

I was two when she let those men do

to me what my mind hide from me

I believed my family cared

I went back to them, my open heart shared

twenty years I lied to me

about sister I never really had for we

fifty two years before that  I came

into a world of rage, sex, and slavery

at the hands of a woman so savage

 a father who tried to shot me out of her

 my ex family  I will forgive for sure

onto purity I go, to amend my life

and make it right for God knows

I was as if a child everyone bigger then I, me

I lived as a child believing in truth love, honesty and free

of full memory of torture & asked family

I was loved  & adored is what she said

more vomit to be force fed

ho hum, secrets run deep

I walked in as a lala sheep

follow at their feet in hopes of love & acceptance

every time I asked they give another lie for instance

lost 9+ years clean time, 3 jobs, all life savings

while on Cymbalta & being with family hazing

pink elephants run in herds through their lives 

I not see it until I lost in dark garage filled with Cymbalta Craze

Feared for my life once again, told I selfish when unable to dress

told I should think of baby sister duress

told that when 3,4 and five

when I barely able to stay alive

Hope I never ever go back if I do It will kill me for sure

I tell you all I know just as a child of eleven

That is when trauma of torture and murder mother\'s sin

I told she kill me too she said I c__t, Whore, slut, not able to win

God is more than all of them that is in the world

greater than any of their ugly words hurled

I know I good all the way to core

I walked with God after I got off the floor

three months a spiritual experience

on my knees pleading not to break

God rushed in nothing fake!

I know beyond shadow of doubt !

I\'m loved from in and out

Cymbalta took my brain 

I\'m not in this for the fame

God gave me back my life 

yet spiritual focks not understand 

when ego goes God alone can help me stand

Church called my mom Satan

I say now get behind me Satan!