Today i woke up to a phonecall from my friend, he was on his way somewhere this morning and decided to rob this ones bag, well he got it but they got the bag he had on his back so they know who he is and he will be going to prision. I feel so sorry for him- and her. I know he wants to be clean and go straight an all that so its sad that he's been slipping back into using over the last few months , he's on a probation bond at the moment and a suspended sentence so getting into trouble of any sort means he will definatley be getting locked back up….. i didnt know what to say to him, what could i say? I asked him what he was goin to do and he just said 'well im after getting €150 out of that bag so im going to score'. I just said ok, ring me when you get there and let me know ur ok' I know i probably should have said more, but he woke me up with this phone call and it was all madnesss what he was telling me and i supppose another reason i said fuck all was because i can relate to him and what he's feeling cos iv felt it so many times before. He worked so hard to get clean , to stay out of jail, to even go back to college and then here he is slipping back into using , throwing away all he's worked so hard for and its probably eating him up inside… i know it did me, But even when you still have a conscience , when something bad happens or something like that all you want to do is use.

I sat awake for a bit thinking, then i fell back asleep and didnt wake untill nearly 3pm…. thats not like me , and i woke in the strangest mood, i didnt want to do anything. I didnt really feel depressed and i still dont, i just feel weird. After i went back asleep in the morning i had a few weird dreams too… so i just stayed in bed and read 2 books. 2 books between 3pm and now – almost midnight and they werent small books either. I tried to ring him lots of times and i texted too but he hasnt got back to me, im worried about him, about his state of mind….. i should have said more this morning, or went to meet him or something. Thats what friends are for i wasnt there for him, I feel shit about that.

Im listening to this song now by an irish band ,Aslan, and theres a bit in that says ;'how can i protect you in this crazy world….nothings right, nothings wrong, i dont care less its all the same'' and that fits how i feel so well…. whay can i really do at the end of the day, i cant protect other people from the crazy world….but still i should have done more, should have said more. He is a good friend and i know there wil be people who will read this and be thinking 'why am i still associating with someone who is using and doing things like that' and i dont really have an answer to that other that i just cant turn my back on people, on friends-end of story. I know i have to protect myself aswell and my own recovery but a friend is a friend no matter what there up to and i feel shit that i didnt do more, maybe there is nothing i could have done anyway cos when u want to score  and u want to use, your goin to do it no matter what someone says…. still i could have tried….

Anyway im still in this weird mood, i dont know what to do with myself. I dont want to let myself slip back into that depression-that much i do know, so im glad i have a busy few days ahead of me with my courses etc, still today i feel like im stuck somewhere in the middle, in limbo. Im seeing my counsellor tomorrow so il talk all this out with her, hopefully that will help, but thats tomorrow. I just want to go to bed and sleep….. and wake in a better state of mind.Hopefully i will. Hopefully.