I have committed to my thoughts of not going back. How ever my recent ex just keeps trying to make things right between us. He managed one week without me and now I am trying to give him his space. I have been drinking and smoking almost everyday since that day. I have been not eating as often as I normally would. I feel I can not sleep at night.

An old friend has contacted me and he’s been so kind about my situation. Offering comforting words and has laughed at how my personality has had a shift. He said he remembers me being a lot more open. He’s not wrong I felt my chest feel heavy with saddnes but when I start to get my confidence going I linger there in the happy of it all. I havent been able to do that in a while.

I also blocked all my ex’s family on facebook. Just as a start to seperate myself. I was on facebook for a while now I deleted the app off of my phone. I did the same thing with my snapchat. I have been going for walks in the evening. I’m trying to build up the courage to tell my mother and grandmother about my brake up because they were attached to my ex. I just want to find myself again. No pressure of a relationship. I have been having the worst anxiety. Fast breathing, heart racing, constant thinking, anger, self pity, the numbness, and my mind with a million ‘What ifs.” I fight all the time and it seems I have been relying on others to make me feel okay but I want to stop that.

When I get the urge to go back to my ex because i think about how hard its going to be without him I get angry with myself. So i have decided to stop listening to sad songs. I saw that on a tiktok that said it would increase my happy mood. I created a playlist to boost my selfesteem slowly. I dont want to be unhealthy in the mind, second guessing anymore I have wasted enough time. That is my honest opinion. The biggest fear is where I will live once I tell my family. I dont want to live at my mothers and the community I live in has no appartments or anything of that sort anywhere near. My only option is working at the school at my old job and then save to go back to school. I know this is weird but I’m 24 and I don’t have my drivers license which is crazy everytime I think about it. I’m currently just yelling at myself to GROW TF UP. That has become one of my many goals I have to keep studying.

I’m afraid thats the feeling i have because of the unknown and unanswered situations.

Thanks for your support. Leave me a message or comment about how I can keep improving my mood and habits.