As of July 9th, 2008, it has been 2 years of instability with my job, friends, relationships, etc. Actually, it really started before I even moved here, about 2 years before that when I lost all my friends. Who are now my friends again, but that doesn’t discount the deep depression it spun me into for a year and then I moved here right after that.
I have never really been happy but my depression wasn’t so strong I wanted to cry or end my life everyday before. It used to only bother me once every 5 years or so.
I don’t know where I’m going to be working in a week and a half, I don’t even know if the jobs I applied for are what I want to do, I don’t know if I will be any good at them since they require attention to detail which is what I am constantly written up for here, but I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t have any one here, and there is no chance of a prince charming ever sweeping into my life. Why did I break up again? Maybe something would’ve been better than nothing.
I don’t see the point anymore. I am too tired and exhausted and mentally drained to try anymore. I just want to be happy, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to be stable, all I have lived these last few years has just been a roller coaster and I am so tired of it. I just want to move on. It’s not fair that everyone else’s lives turns around in a matter of months, while mine gets tossed to and fro over and over and over again. It might look like I come to the top of the roller coaster, but it never lasts for more than a week or a few days. I just want one year of normalcy, so maybe I can survive. I think I could survive if I had that. I am so tired Oh God, why why why am I going through this forever? And what did I ever do to deserve this lack of friends? This all started when I was a kid…What could an 8 year old possibly do to ever deserve this? It’s not fair, and I hate it I hate it I hate it. I am just so tired of it, but too tired to try to figure out what to do about it. So I let go of my hope, on the verge of calling it quits, because hope only hurts. If only I could find an easy, painless way out, because this life of mine is absolutely not worth living.