I am so upset and angry and frustrated and shocked and dissappointed at the moment.

Over the last three years I have had numerous EEG's Echo's TOE's Xray's CT's Angiogram's and follow ups with Cardiologists and Surgeons all of which have cost me thousands of Dollars.

All these proffessionals have told me that I have a problem with my heart and it will need surgery at some point. Over the last year my symptoms have gotten worse and now I have recorded heart damage due to ?heart attack and a period of AF. I last saw surgeon 4 weeks ago who said I need open heart surgery within the next ninety days and sent me for yet another Echo. The technician stated there is nothing wrong, it must just be because of my weight.

Now my Cardiologist has contacted me and told me that I have been removed from the surgery list. I do not particularly want surgery and definately not unnecessarily but how can so many tests and specialists all AGREE that there is a problem that requies fixing for three years then all of a sudden due to one more of the same test I have had several times it can all be better. Yes I do have heart disease he said but it's not bad enough yet for surgery. So why cant I breath why am I always so tired why do I get chest pains on exertion??????? All these I asked, his answer was "I can hear your frustration" and "I understand your upset".

So now I am going to see him in person on 22nd and I have asked my sister to attend with me. I hope she can get out of work for half an hour to come, because I dont know that I can articulate myself without crying in anger or frustration.

Everything continues now. At least I won't have to exist on sickness benefits, I can still work and save for our cruise next year, provided I dont have a major coronary so in the meantime I have to put up with the symptoms and try to lose the weight. Here we go again. How do I exercise when I can't breath or walk distance without pain and how can I fight the weight when I am on meds that the side effect is weight gain. Stop making walls and start jumping over them. There I even have the answer to that. CAN I DO IT Hell Yes WILL I DO IT ????????

Please Help me and support me because I really dont know that I can. I have tried and tried. I gave up smoking and that was very hard (8 yrs ago) I wish that I can get that determination back to fight for my own life but (deep down) I really dont believe that I am worth the fight.