I spoke to the therapist. He said that since I have never told anyone [save for that girl] my troubles, I have a lot of work to do. I have a multitude of issues, and the purpose of the first meeting was to find a common link between all of them. I talked about how much my dad shaped me into something he wanted me to be, how I couldn’t find anything positive in me, and how I never made my own path in life and how I fear for the future. I didn’t go into my social problems yet, though I wish I had the time to.
I felt relieved at first, but our next meeting is in January, and I simply can’t wait. I felt good actually talking to someone rather than just typing it out or mumbling my thoughts to myself. I read a bunch of stories about college depression. I feel their pain. The pressure of failure, the fear of rejection, and the challenge of the real world. It’s overwhelming for us. The therapist said that in the time between meetings, I need to realize that failure is not the end of the world.
At the end of the meeting I asserted that it would be. If I didn’t succeed here, it’s over.
But he also told me that I should do something positive for someone. Make someone feel good. I have given so much to my friends, and I felt that they weren’t deserving of my generosity over the semester. They didn’t realize how much I "treasured" them. So I chose someone else. Someone I hardly knew, but needed something from me. So I went out in the snow, bought a birthday card, and slipped it under this girl’s door for her birthday. Didn’t even sign it. I just thought she’d like it. And my friend asked how it was as well. Since the therapist and I never talked about my social life, we did. Over Skype, no less. It was good to see her again after all of these years.
I felt good after the meeting, but my feelings of happiness were cut short. Friends came over, and I felt more isolated than ever before. They may be my friends, but do they care about me? Would they slip something underneath my door?
I wonder how I can last until January.