So this is the second moring I awoke with anxiety. I dont at all like it 🙁

Yesterday it went down after two klonopins, and I had a good afternoon and evening. Made some jewelry made it through electro. I remembered my meds last night and was hopeful Id wake calm today. No such luck.

Im stressin over rent and bills and the holidays. I took this month off and got shit disability pay. I am now 100 dollars behind on rent and 80 on my cellie. I wrote out a plan with my landlord and called the phone company but that is about all i can do with that. I feel really resentful. At my kids dad. I do not like it. He is always the first htought I have when times are tough. One why did he turn out the way he did, a raging alcoholic, two why now that he is sober can he not step up and help me with his children! Some ppl are not meant to be parents, he is one of those ppl. Then I resent myself for relationships lost. The few I have had brought so much stability to my life in some areas, financially it was always easier to have a partner. Emotionally it sometimes helped. But there must have been something with these ppl that just did not work for me or else I would not be single now. I always broke it off so it was a choice. Now its been 5 years that I have lived in the apartment alone and at times so free and happy and other times so lonely and hopeless. Hopeless that Bets will have someone to spend her life with, hopeless that person exists for me anymore. That perhaps I lost the one I was meant to spend forever with.

Bipolar disorder is no fun, i shut ppl out when i probably need them most, and bring ppl in when I probably need them least. So many days I cry wondering who the fuck I am and where the fuck Im going. It is just a struggle to raise three kids on my own and that is all consuming at times. I think sometimes who would wanna be with my crazy ass anyways, who woulda wanna deal with three kids and my obsessions, like not closing the shower curtain or fixing the pillows and throw blankets on the couch before going to bed! The kids get it they have lived with it so long, but to let someone in to see all the small things I sweat is kind of IDK embarassing, and so I close off, i put on someone else when ppl are around. I act like those things do not bug me, and usually in the end they dont, but at the time OMG do they!

So yeah I just wrote here had no plan just let it comeout as i felt it, my feelings inside my head, my thoughts as i awoke.

Much love to everyone and dont forget… we are all nothing but the same exact thing and my daily reminder….how important is this.