Like most of us, I have struggled with anxiety all my life. Since I was a child I was extremely superstitious, possibly an artifact of being raised by my grandmother, and old-fashioned back country woman (who probably has mild OCD herself). I always felt different from the other kids, though I didn't yet know why.

 

When I was just twelve I realized I was gay. This is also the time in my life when I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder, two things I still struggle with to this day. I also met my partner and best friend at this young age, a beautiful woman who I intend to be wed to someday. I was put on Zoloft, which didn't really help my depression, and I became a cutter and had to be put in inpatient treatment when I was fourteen.

 

The beginning of high school was easier for me, as there were more people I could relate to, and I started feeling a lot better. As my depression waned, however, my anxiety got worse and worse. Junior year was when I first started having real obsessions. I was convinced there was something on my face, and I would check by touching or looking in mirrors all day. I was also terrified that people thought I was a neo-Nazi because of my looks (kind of punk) and German heritage. I ruminated constantly on that fear and it became the defining part of my life. Senior year only got worse, and I started having intrusive thoughts of harming others, started having counting compulsions and rituals, and had to walk in a certain way as to avoid cracks, "bad" spots, and uneven surfaces. It was apparent that something was very wrong as I was stressed out to the point of crying every day and wanting to die.

 

I was diagnosed with OCD at age eighteen and put on Prozac and Klonopin, which I still take. It took a few months but my symptoms gradually dwindled down to almost normal behavior. I started college far away from home and did very well for about two years, until I started becoming extremely paranoid and having trouble making it to class. I was put on Zyprexa as well, but it wasn't enough and after a few semesters of failing classes, I have had to drop out of school and will be moving back in with my mother (who also has OCD, but not as badly) until I can get back on track. I have also been struggling with my old enemy depression and self-harm again.

3 Comments
  1. mandy86 11 years ago

     I wish you all the best and pray you feel better again soon : ) 

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  2. bluebuddha 11 years ago

    ~I’m sorry that you have been through so much. But I don’t want you to loose hope. There is always hope, treatment, medications, and self awareness. Read you about your issues, try new things. And never ever give up. Have you ever tried to harness the self-harm by using Art? I’m thinking maybe you could put all of those emotions into a drawing or painting. Be well.

    Blue

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  3. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    I wish you well.  That is a tough  road to travel.

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