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It always suprises me how good I feel in the early morning. But only if I haven't been asleep. I got some sleep, from around 9 to 3, and I know that around 5 or 6 I'm going to be pretty much spent but for now I'm good. Well I was better before my granma woke up and the dog started acting up. I made some coffee, which I realized I hadn't done since before I moved here 3 and a half years ago. Felt like an idiot having to ask how to do it. I'd never used this coffee make before and my granma takes it a bit weaker than I used to. If only coffee was enough to keep me awake I'd drink it all day. Energy drinks usually work. They make me a little jittery sometimes but at least I'm awake. It bothers me how much I still compare everything to how it was before I moved here. I should probably start with why I moved here. I was still living at home, it was just me and my mom. My mom got sick and I was taking care of her. She died and I needed somewhere to live so I moved here. It's me, my aunt, my cousin, his wife, their kid and my granma. My brother was living here for a while, too. I should also mention that our apartment is tiny. Two bedrooms. Kind of. My room is really a converted storage room. My cousin, his wife and their kid share the big room. My aunt and my granma sleep in the living room. In a way I'm pretty lucky to have my own room but it has its downfalls. I'll get into that some other time. Well since I moved here everything is different. It's ridiculous that I haven't gotten used to the changes. It wasn't that great for a while after I got here. I lived in the same room with my cousin and his and when my brother moved in that's where he lived as well. I miss the way things used to be. I never tell anyone that but I do. Things where so much quieter. My mom and I had our own room, well literally and figuritively. There was privacy and breathing room. It was also pretty much a constant. Even after I graduated and didn't have anything to do it was still a constant. I got up around the same time, ate pretty much the same thing every day and did pretty much the same stuff. It seems boring and monotonous but it was something I could handle. My life had structure. I like not knowing what I'm going to do sometimes but not all the time. And to make things worse I don't even have my cat. He was my best friend. Even if I felt like crap and hated the world Munky was always there. We were perfect for each other. He wasn't needy and he liked being petted. Unfortunately I constantly compare my cat that I have now to him. He doesn't measure up by a long shot. I've had some great pets over the years but Munky was awesome. I don't have him anymore because I didn't want to bring him here. He was an inside-outside cat. Around here there's a lot of stray dogs and at the time most of the outside cats had some sort of sickness. Well I left him with my brother and less than a month later he had run away. Or my brother stopped taking care of him. Don't think I'll ever know the truth. He claims my mom's cat ran away the day after I left. I just don't see that from her. Then again her person of like eight years had died, so it's possible. I just wish my brother would have told me he didn't want to take care of him. I could have easily picked him up and brought him here. I don't know when this got all about a cat that I haven't even seen in three years. I miss him. But I feel dumb talking about it with anyone. Like I should just move on from the past but I can't seem to let any of it go. I like to think that someone took him in. He was a pretty loveable cat but I know it's crap. Last I heard about him he was still wild and going feral. I'm glad I have good memories of him and my mom, though. I didn't for the longest time. She wasn't exactly the greatest mom and my childhood wasn't the greatest, either. At first all I thought of was the bad times and there were plenty. Now when I think about her I think about the trip we took the year before she died. The only vacation I'd ever been on. We spent three days at the beach just being tourists. For once not worrying about money or any of the other daily crap. Got one hell of a sunburn but it was still nice. Made it all the better because she didn't drink the entire time. I'm glad we got to do that together before she passed.

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