its been a few days since i wrote.  the last time i got on was 11/13 friday night to chat.  i really wasnt doing good then.  im not exactly sure what set me off but i ended up kinda loosing it.  my husband ended up taking me to the hospital and i checked myself in to the psyc ward.  i actually thought i was gonna get some help.  i talked to one doc who asked all of the right questions.  its like he knew exactly what i was feeling when i couldnt seem to explain it to anyone else.  that relieved some stress and i got to feeling better.  so by monday morning when i met this new doc i wasnt at all like i was when i entered the hospital.  i tried to explain what happened but you really cant unless youre in the middle of it ya know… so anyway.  she just puts me on prozac 40mg and sends me home.   the problem is ive been on that before.  i will have to admit prozac probably works better for my depression than anything else.  so in a way thats a relief.  atleast they got me on something that i know will help.  but what about my nightmares.  now i dont even have the trazadone to help with them… what about the anger and the anxiety?  oh yeah.. im just supposed to learn to deal.  how do i deal?  especially when its usually directed towards those i love the most? 

i had nightmares last night too.  as usual.  the trazadone had stopped them but now i dont have it.  they used to seem trivial and stupid, but the ones i had last night terrified me.  i always felt like something was out to get me.  i dont know what dreams mean.  maybe it means nothing at all.  all i know is when i wake up feeling like i cant breathe it really sucks.  i also had a dream that the doctors kept doing what they seem to be doing now…. NOTHING.  just ignoring me and saying "learn to deal with it"  so i got back on drugs.  i dont want to do that.  if i did it would destroy my world.  my husband would leave me and take the kids.  i know when im in one of the deep depressions i feel like they would be better off without me but i wouldnt survive without them.  i just dont know what to do… i guess i should just learn to deal with it huh?