So, I went to the mall today. Something I hate to do because it's just a bad experience for me. Too many people in one area. Which is really hell for me, since I've got tickets to a concert and I am certainly going no matter what.
Anyway, I went around two in the afternoon. I swear, I was like stuck to the sidewalk. I had to stand there and gather myself for a moment, though I didn't do it too long. I didn't want people to think I was just crazy. So, finally, I just walked in. It was like jumping into a pool full of cold, freezing water.
I walked, watching the people around me. As I am always super aware of people with my anxiety. I noticed people looking, but told myself, they probably look at everyone who walks into the mall as they were sitting in the seats near the door.
I went to Hot Topic first. Had to stop and see what band shirts they had. I fell in love with a pair of board shorts they had there. I wanted them, but I didn't have the freakin' 58 dollars for them at the time. I bought a few wristbands that had funny little sayings on them and a necklace with a bat on it. I hurried out of there. Not sure why because I planned to say there for two hours.
Then I walked down the length of the mall. It was horrible cause I swear it felt like everyone was staring at me. It makes me sick.
Oh, and I HATE that feeling because I know they aren't just staring. They're doing what everyone does naturally. They glance and then go back to what they were doing. But, of course, my anxiety amplifies it to me thinking they are staring. I kept from practiacally running down the mall. I finally got to the end of it, looked at my cellphone and noticed it hadn't even been an hour. I didn't know what else to do to occupy myself. So, I went to Barnes and Noble. I knew looking at books would definitely distract me. So, I was walking through the aisles, looking at anything that caught my eye. Suddenly, this young girl turned toward me and said hello. I said hello back and went back to what I was doing. Her and her friends were talking and looking at books. Then right before I walked on she turned and said, 'I love your glasses. They're really cute.' I said thank you. I could tell she was waiting for me to say something, but my mind was blank. I've alway got lots to say, but I just tend to choke when people start talking to me. I nodded to her and walked on. I felt sort of stupid for not saying anything, as I could have started a conversation and whatnot, but didn't, which my counslor said I need to work on.
I resumed my looking until my aunt came to get me. I was so freakin' happy it was all over. Oh, how I hate putting myself through it, but it'll help me, so I do it anyway. I probably should go back out before the week is over as to take advantage of my courage to actually go into the mall.
So, that's it.