It's hard to know where to start. As I've said elsewhere, there are aspects I can bear, and those that i can't. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at a young age, which is one of those condition that is more of a problem for other people than it is for me. I've been told that it makes me pretty intense company at times, which I get: talking to someone with it can make you feel like you're the only person in the world, as we tend to kind of hone in like that. Whenever the phone rings, my chest tightens and my throat dries out, and I can never bring myself to answer it. When the door goes, I've been known to hide.
I have an intense fear of going blind, so I don't use bleach, or any other cleaning agents, and I'm constantly rubbing at my eyes because I know theres something in there. Its one of the many things that stops me from sleeping, along with my – occasionally crippling – fear of unexpected death. I can lie there absolutely convinced. Sometimes I think the reason I'm so scared is because I've seen my funeral so many times in my head. The repetetive thoughts come to me then, as I try to sleep – the voice saying over and over "beth killed herself, beth killed herself". Or I'll hear a random word someone has spoken to me during the day – except I'll become hung up on it not sounding right, and I'll have to repeat it to myself, over and over.
That isn't what frightens me. Its the other thoughts, the ones I don't recognise. Sometimes I find myself wondering who put them there, such is my moral disassociation. There are two types: violent ones, and sexual ones. The violent type are usually more towards myself – not being able to hold a knife, for instance, without obsessing about stabbing myself – but not always. My parents will go to bed, and all I'll be able to think about is getting them while they sleep, so I'll sit up all night, absolutely horrified. I get urges to just whack people, when we're just sitting there having a laugh, until all I can think about is how it would feel to just grab the nearest thing and let rip across the back of their head. Thats usually the point where ritual fails me, and I cut myself.
The rituals differ, but are usually based on symmetrical rhythms – I'll flex both thumbs, then both indexes, etc, and then back again, ten times or more, and it HAS TO be at the same time. I get so upset otherwise – my breathing becomes agitated, and the world starts to go fuzzy, like its painted on a cloud of white noise, if that makes any sense. Then I really start to freak out….
I still can't talk about the other thoughts, not here. But this is a good start, I think.