ok it’s been a tough week for me….i’ve been right off tap.  on friday i was so insane around my house i couldn’t bear to look at any clutter and i totally lost it.  my hubby (bless him) loves to fix things, so after we talked about all my little "problems"  we embarked on a huge weekend of tiding up and throwing out stuff.  so after one trip to the charity store and one trip to my folks house, we stopped at the tip (dump). now he had our 2 kids in his car and i was in my car with all the stuff to be dumped off.  so he brings the kids up to the big industrial bins and im kinda freakin about my kids (they’re 5 and 3) getting contaminated or touching something or whatever.  ok now my shoes are in my hubbys car in a bag and that car is now some distance away and i’m very aware i have no shoes and we are in like THE most germiest place on earth, but my fear around my kids and their safety was paramount……so i go out of the car to watch the kids, i only walked about 6-8 feet up and back beside my car……but afterwards,,,,,,,,,i had the most intense zoids i’ve had about contamination ever.  i then made my hubby get my shoes, but it was too late.  i went and washed my feet.   then i went to my folks house and i washed them with soap, then i got out the detol and sterilized my feet.  then i realised, when they were sore that i have this week started to pull the skin off the bottoms of my feet again……..so not only are they contaminated but i have sores on the bottom of them for any deadly diseases to get into……..whoa i tell ya i just freaks me sharing this, it kept me up till 2am the next morning going nuts about it…..but then i think about other stuff…..in the last 2 months i’ve been to the dentist twice for major work….chance of contamination there if they don’t sterilize properly and i got a tattoo back in october,,,,,,,chance of contamination there……so even if i do get some hideous thing…i won’t know where it came from.  i’m trying so hard to let it go, the damage is done to my mind, i can’t undo what i did.  i know that my instinct to protect my kids was greater than looking out for myself in that moment and now i’m paying for it with my insanity.  this is the weirdest part of it for me……………………I NEVER GO OUT OF MY HOUSE WITHOUT SHOES ON —–NOT EVER!  i would never walk down the street or shop without my shoes for fear of contamination –  particularly a syringe stabbing me.  so why oh why would i go where i did without my shoes already on my feet??? i have no idea… i must subconciously love the aftermath of zoids that follows.  so i have a few polls i want to do now regarding the stupid stuff ive done this week.  although i don’t think your responses to them will fill me with any peace.  god help me….im one mental chick at the moment.