I really have been feeling absolutely great lately. Work is going well…I havent had any anxiety issues there all week. I've been able to get out and about a lot more going on busy buses and shopping at the busy crazy mall. I'm just a lot more active and I think my mood has improved drastically. I was thinking last night about why everything has moved in such a positive direction lately…and I have come to a conclusion.
I think I'm doing so well right now b/c its the first time in my life that I am actually living for myself. As a child I tried to be perfect all of the time b/c my mom was a perfectionist and put those feelings on me too. I did what I thought would make my parents happy instead of what I wanted to do. This carried on throughout my teenage years too. Then my dad died and I lived for my mom and sister…doing what was best for them and trying to make them happy instead of taking care of myself.
Then I met my now ex boyfriend. I felt like I was again placed in the role of fixing his life and helping him better himself. I felt a lot of pressure (mostly self created) to be perfect for him all of the time. Then when the anxiety hit I was no longer perfect in my mind….but I was still trying to fix everyone else's problems instead of fixing my own.
Then he broke up with me and that was my lowest point. It was my confirmation that unless I am perfect people will not like or love me. That when I am weak, I am not a likeable person and that unless I am helping others or lliving for them then I am useless and worthless.
But now I've dealt with all of those feelings. I've finally realized that I cannot fix everyone else. Its not my job. I can be here to assist, but I can't be the super fixer anymore. I cant be perfect for me or anyone else b/c I'm not perfect. I've realized that the important people in my life will be there for me whether I am at my highest high or my lowest low.
At the age of 27 I am finally living for me. I'm doing what I want to. I'm not concerned about what other people think of me anymore. I'm not going through the motions of life anymore trying to make other people happy. Instead I'm making me happy and thats why I think my anxiety is slowly disappearing. Yippee!