The kids are both sleeping and Seth is at work. I have this alone quiet time and it is kind of freaking me out. I keep getting the urge to do major cleaning. When I get anxious the first thing I want to do is clean. Cleaning distracts me from thinking and also completes something which makes me feel good. I like being in a clean environment and feeling proud of my house. But, I know I will get all sweaty and then want to take a shower and once I start, I will be up all night. I should just go to sleep. It will be hard to take care of the kids if I am really sleepy. But, boy am I fighting the urge to clean. It is wierd to me because I am a lazy person. I dont ever really want to do stuff and I dont ever really like doing stuff but I recognize the need and just do it. When I clean as a means to get rid of anxiety, it feels like more of a compulsion than a want or need. I could just not, but my anxiety would shoot sky high and I just wouldn\'t feel good in general. For some reason it seems like I go out of my way to overwhelm myself. I always do too many things at one time and always way more than I should. I feel more accomplished that way. More productive. I try to make everything I do be productive. I hate waste. Wasting time, electricity, money, anything. If I am heading in the general direction of another task I will go ahead and complete that task before I do what I originally intended on doing. If I walk to the kitchen to grab a cup, I will pick up all the garbage and dishes on my way. If I dont, I feel anxious and like I am wasting my time and resources. When the baby is sleeping and I have time to clean up, I look like a sweaty chicken running around with its head cut off. I am going back and forth to each room doing ten different things at one time, dripping sweat from working so hard, frantic. I feel like it is almost like a race or contest, how much can I get done at one time, how productive can I be, how many things can I get done in this short amount of time. One time I did all the dishes, swept three large rooms, mopped, cleaned the oven, vaccumed and did two loads of laundry in one and a half hours. Seth will say slow down or sit down or take a break, and I just cant. I feel like if I sit down and take a break that is wasting time I could be spending being productive. Besides, he doesnt do anything around the house, the chores are left to me otherwise we will live in a pig sty. I cant live like that. I cant just let it go. It makes me lose my mind. I get stressed out in messy rooms and if it is really bad it makes me want to cry. It is so impossible to keep the house perfect with little kids, but my mind wont let me just let it go. I feel so compelled to keep trying to keep the house perfect, when I know it is not possible. Well it is midnight and I should just go to sleep……..or maybe I should clean the bedroom 🙂

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