Anger and rage consume me on a daily basis. My OCD seems to center around that as opposed to fear. Lately, I have been having a very hard time at home because my mother in law moved in "temporarily" eight months ago and I simply hate her. I tried SO hard to be understanding and helpful and loving. But her laziness and lack of social skills and herbasic childish behavior is killing me. I know I need to talk to her about it (again!) but I am having such a hard time with it because I spend most of my days screaming at her in my head and obsessing over her piles and piles of mess in my houseand the way she runs down to her room and hides out when it it is time to clean. Today is especially hard for mebecause I told her it was time to clean, but instead of picking up her billion things in the livingroom, she ran down to hide in the basement. I even explained to her that the mess is making me physically ill. Because I could not stand it one second longer I picked up most of her stuff so I could vacuum. I think she knows I will clean it so she just leaves it. She is a pig and I can't stand it. I don't like feeling this way toward her. I don't like having this in my head. I don't like having panic attacks when I know I have to come home from work and be with her. I need to tell her some of this stuff, but I am afraid I won't be able to be calm about it. I am afraid if I start letting it out that I will spew my hatred and frustration and rage at her until she hates me even more than she does right now. I have to talk myself off the ledge constantly when I am with her. I can't stand her incessant talking and mess. I can't stand how she doesn't seem to be able to do anything on her own. She is on her computer 16-18 hours a day most days of the week. Yet, she can't figure out how to search for something online to get a job.She stalks men on dating sites until she meets a scammer then gives him all of her money. I just want to lash out. I want to hurt her they way she is hurting me. I don't like my sadistic side and she makes it very hard for me to push down that part of me who wants to hurt her. I guess I will do what I have always done and keep it all inside me till I breakdown and have to hide in my room. I am a fool for letting her do this to me.

1 Comment
  1. Catoptromancy 10 years ago

     Hey, hon.



    Sounds like she's a riot. Did you want another kid? I definitely think your husband should step in, however, he's probably dealt with her all her life like this…so it might seem very normal to him. Skewed perspective. So, I think, sadly, it's going to be up to you to take charge of the house. And I've got some ideas.



    First off, if you feel like you're going to explode on her when you have a talk…start with a letter to her. Or email (since she's on her computer so much). Let her know how you're feeling, while at the same time acknowledging that she has feelings, too, and that you're interested in them (it's a fabulous stfu technique). Explain how things were in your house before she came–who handled what and what was acceptable. Next, suggest you divide the chores between whoever lives in the house…make a chart if you have to. If she HAS money, suggest she might contribute some of it to household costs or putting it away in the bank…and do it nicely. Remind her these are tough economic times and you don't want to fall into a pit with your finances and if something happens to you guys, you want to make sure she can stand on her own feet with a nest egg…which is what she needs to be building if this is a temporary situation. Tell her you're tired of watching her be mistreated by men and feel she should be better to herself…to focus on family rather than on people who come and go. It's not unreasonable to ask her to pay her share for rent or groceries within her means. Family is family, but taking in extra members puts a strain on your wallet. Suggest going job hunting together. Ask her what she's interested in and if you have to–physically take her someplace. You know what else? Maybe she needs a make-over to get hired. It'll make her feel special to get her hair done, get a new outfit for going on interviews, and make her feel cared for/supported. Remind her you guys are in this together and have to help each other out and since she's lived such a long life, you're certain you have a great deal to learn from her (because no elderly person likes being treated like a child no matter how childish their behavior is). Get her involved in cleaning. Don't let her retreat to her room. If she does…go knock on her door and tell her you need to ask something like…oh…how to get a grass stain out best on your husband's pants…or what way she thinks is best to clean the woodwork. Stuff that forces her to engage in some way. At the very least you'll show her that her room isn't a hideout to get away from cleaning and she's going to be involved in some way.



    Another thought. Some of what she's doing is very self-destructive/depressed sounding. Hate her or love her…try to get her out of the house some. Take her to lunch (two fold purpose…somebody else cleans the dishes and she feels special. It must be hard to rely on your son and his wife after having (possibly?) been more independent in your youth. Maybe embarrassing. Maybe she feels if she steps in to clean she'll upset you by "taking over" your house or that by making a move to clean she'll be sending you the message that you should be doing it more often and as a guest…most people don't want to do that. The running, though, sounds like she feels very overwhelmed and lost. Time for that to stop and you can help with it.



    Later, after your letter, try sitting down and talking. You might never like her, but you might find out what her issues are and that gets you a step closer to solving YOUR issue. Yes, you might find out she's just lazy and always has been. Still worth a try…and that way if you DO have to go to your husband for back-up it doesn't look like you've been picking on her or are unreasonable (which, if she's lazy and selfish for no reason, she's bound to try to convince him of). Then, if a talk with him doesn't do the trick…it might be time to suggest she'd be more comfortable at another relative's…or in a special home…guaranteed cringe-worthy way to tell her you're fed up. Best of luck to you. Don't let this get you down. It's your home, not hers. Reclaim it and don't hide in the bedroom. Then you're just becoming like her. Not a pretty picture, doll.

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