So now I've increased my hand washing to include the entire arm up to my elbow, not just my hands and wrists anymore. And instead of just washing once really really good, I usually do it 2-3 times. It's getting worse by the day. Today I think I used an entire container of hand soap and 1 roll of paper towels. I have changed my clothes a total of 9 times today, as each item of clothing became contaminated. I've alcohol sanitized my phone, twice. I tried to go to the gym to work out today but I had to leave instantly because it smelled terrible and I was too afraid to touch any of the machines. So yeah, it doesn't help I've had three small warts on my fingers/nail bed for the past 9 months so I can't even dry my hands off on a towel for fear of spreading them via the wet towel, so I go through roll upon roll of paper towels every week. I feel awful for being so wasteful. The warts and fear of spreading them to other parts of my body or someone else puts me in this panic so it causes me to wash my hands much more frequently. I have to put waterproof band aids (which are very expensive) on my fingers every time I wash my face, put on makeup, or take a shower. Then I have to wash my hands before and after I do that. Today I noticed a small sore/blister forming inside of my lip. I do get cold sores (thanks ex boyfriend) every few months, and they are usually pretty mild, I'll just get like one small sore on the middle of my lip for about a week. I'm not sure if this new sore is a cold sore or just a canker sore, because this one is a little bit more on the inside of my mouth than the outside, and it's not as big as a cold sore is usually. Anyway, the intense paranoia of somehow spreading my cold sores to other parts of my body again has me washing even more frequently. So tonight when I started to feel this sore forming inside my mouth I freaked the hell out, I showered in a very very ocd way, making sure to never touch any part of my face for fear or spreading it. I washed my entire body, got out, dried off without touching the towel to my face, then went back into the bathroom to wash my face separately and then didn't even dry my face off. Then I proceeded to get dressed, only to realize I didn't wash my hands after I had just washed my face, so I had to go back and rewash and start the entire process over again. So of course those clothes were contaminated and I had to take them of and put new ones on. But then I had just touched the contaminated clothes, so I had to go back in the bathroom and rewash yet again. During this entire process tonight, I kept thinking to myself STOP JUST STOP JUST FUCKING STOP, but I couldn't. I literally couldn't. The only thing I kept picturing in my head was myself somehow spreading my cold sore (if it is even a cold sore) to my genitals and then my boyfriend would break up with me because who the hell would want to be in a relationship with someone who has genital herpes. Well, my boyfriend knows that I have hsv-1 (cold sores) and he has straight up told me that he doesn't even care. He still kisses me, we still have oral sex and everything. He told me to just not worry about it, because hsv-1 is extremely common and it's not a big deal. Same with the finger warts. They are common and not a big deal. But still, I can't get it out of my head. It's a big deal to me. I don't want to be infected with anything, common or not. I want these warts gone, I wish I had never gotten a cold sore no idea how i got it in the first place. Without the warts and cold sores I wonder if my ocd would be a whole lot easier to manage.

1 Comment
  1. ocdfears 10 years ago

    So, reading your post made my anxiety go through the roof – because I can completely feel your pain.  I almost always wash to my elbows and then have to rewash my hands.  I change my clothes often if they get "contaminated".  I feel that taking deep breaths and sometimes just living with the contamination is the best way to deal with it.  Much easier said than done.  Alot of times, I'm then redoing everything I would have cleaned over time since I didn't do it first.  But, I agree with the other comment, that this is the best way.  There are books out there that will help if you can't see professional help.  My medication (Zoloft) is actually helping alot too.  Just have faith in yourself.  You can get better & you will.

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