crawled into bed 14 hours ago and slept about 8 hours. still havent left bed yet though. I really dont know what is wrong with me. I dont understand. I am fairly healthy, so are my kids and husband. I should be grateful for that and I am. Yet here I am, still in bed. Why? idk

Is it because nobody calls me? I dont think so. Though it is more than pathetic that last week my husband and I found that when I call him or he calls me I can hear him and he cant hear me. We wondered if it was his phone or maybe my microphone. I called a few people to see but they didnt answer and didnt get back to me when I left messages. Is that because they couldnt hear me on the message or because they didnt want to call back? Who knows. I also havent had one person call me in a week lol. Not even a telemarketer. So I still dont know if its my phone. Doesnt matter. There isnt anywhere to take the phone in this town to fix it anyway.

I realized the other day that my whole life has been about others. I've always thought that was alright and fine. I did. I love the people I love and I have never minded sacrificing for them. Now suddenly I am not ok with only mattering as long as I am doing something for someone. I only matter or am considered when someone needs me to fix something, arrange something, work something out, help somehow, etc…. My kids are getting to that age where they dont really need me much. They just need periodic reassurance and guidance. I can do that. I want to be more than someone to run to when you are in trouble.

Why cant I be more to someone?

I didnt feel well last night, I felt I should talk to someone or write something down to get the bad feelings out. I didnt want to last night so I wrote myself a note to make myself do it in the morning. I have to say that it doesnt seem to be helping at all but there must still be a little part of me that wants to try and not give up. If there wasnt I wouldnt be writing this. Guess I should be glad that little part of me is still there.

I really hope that nobody bothered to read this.


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