Not many people can say they over came their fears. I use to hate hearing about how this person over came something they struggled with, when I was still in my rock bottom. The anger in me was screaming internally. They screamed things that showed how angry I was that it was me. The echo of self doubt that creeped into my head. The many moments i sat on bathtub floors crying in silence in the shower. The sting I felt in my throat from knowing how much of a failure and let down I was to everyone important to me . . . . including myself. Everyday felt like a spiral, twist turn, light on and light off kind of feeling.

I had to elaborate my past feeling before you can understand the new feelings.

Recently I went back to school, after I paid a shit ton of money to pay my old university off. That was my first win that built my confidence. Now signing up for classes again was a perfect timing kind of thing. I wasn’t expecting it to go so smoothly.

I was doing all this while maintaining a full time job, and social life. Not gonna lie lot of the days I cried furiously and completely defeated behind close doors. I kicked my ass over and over again. I smoked a shit ton of weed, even had a few bottles to help me not be so irritated at my assignments. I sat after hours in my office in sweat pants, with tons of healthy foods, surrounded by encouraging sticky notes.

I made all A’s this semester and that opened doors for me. Scholarships, GPA went up, and im going on year three being single. I literally clawed my way out and I didn’t want to publicly be talking about this struggle to people i know personally. I don’t know why i am embarrassed. I think i feel under accomplished. As long as I keep my head down everything will be okay.