I was supossed to go to the Doctor today to get help with a cold I'm experiencing… then it rained. I think I have compartmentalized the fact my bike doesn't work into something I cannot think of as being unfixable. My bike, my freedom. I'm on foot. Lately I've been living out my days just trying to not care about time, outcome, just be and focus on taking care of myself, without judging my productivity levels or sleep schedule. Funny that as I do that, I produce more! It just happens. It's a practice of not being in control but in a good way, I think. Of allowing myself to relax and not guilt myself into doing anything. Really finding my own motivation and feeling out a rhythym, if any, to how I need and want to flow that day. It's weird, to let myself coast. To let it be ok to not have to work, go out, stay home, do anything in particular to garner any sort of aproval. I do have goals, and things to look forward to but I think the element of not obsessing is what's different here. Trusting, perhaps? Letting go? There is still an underlying anxiety but I feel excited for creating my own path. I need to experiment. To know what life is like without a "having to please" agenda. Doing things for and solely me. I never do that enough. There's always a a worry about someone else. Who am I without outside pressure? This is what I need to continue seeing. It's somewhat Limbo-ish at first but I have faith, eventually, I can create my own rhythym. I hope… because I really want to, not because I "should". I'm excited about going to Gainsville this November, to hang out with my friend. Maybe I can sell crystal pendants there and let myself go loose with someone who knows no taboos and has been a journey warrior, like myself. We used to be in IOP, together, some years ago. She is a no bullshit kind of gal. She's 39 and I'm 26 yet I think I like this because she is old enough to not need my guidance and still treat me like a peer. I made her a crystal unicorn out of Sculpey and a quartz. I also got her a gliterry light-up unicorn horn for her to wear. She likes unicorns, obviously. ;P! I wonder how I can find more honest people like her… people who embrace the pain and don't judge, say what they mean, who wish to face and see everything. It's rare. Not everyone can handle that kind of awake. I personally love it and treasure the relationships truly created by it. I hope it goes well. I have also been thinking of drinking again but not in an addictive way. Just here and there. I will have 1 year of complete sobriety this Nov 10. To honor that process, I will wait 'till then and get a medallion but, having gone through 12 Step groups, it just seems like demonizing things in black and white form, without considering the part trauma has to play on this behavior, makes relapse all the more inevitable, for some. I know this kind of support structure is valid and does works for many. I've seen it. I respect it and I do know some people can't even have, or should have, one single drink, ever. That truly, for them, "one drink is too many and a thousand never enough" and it can, in fact, be a matter of life and death, but part of me thinks that when I (again, ONLY speaking for myself here) went to rehab, last year, it was because I purposely forced myself to drink more and more, to numb the pain. I mean, I have GERD, it burned my throat and was a lot of work to down that much liquid. Subconciously, it may have even been a way for me to seek a tangible, quantifiable reason to get help, other than what was in my head at that time because my main issues are invisible, frankly. I have also been able to stop drinking out of sheer lack of interest, before. So, am I, personally, biologically, an unstoppable addict? Not sure. I'm just tired of being prohibited things. I am willing to own up, at the first inkling, if I get that unstoppable feeling. I just don't want to have to care so damn much, all the time and know ME, for me, not what the groups or a dogma tells me. *DISCLAIMER* I do NOT encourage leaving your 12 Step regime, AT ALL, if this has worked for you, by the way! This is MY journey. I own the risk of my ventures and will surely keep track of the progress, diligently. I'm just tired of censoring my doubts and not giving enough validity to my state of mind, and emotional history. I need to acknowlege the trauma. I need to own it, just like maybe with the OCD, I need to own up to what's still fueled by emotion rather than just chucking it all to what should only be partly neurobiology. Any thoughts? Does anyone else here feel that trauma, and the internal wounds they can cause, are not adressed enough, in favor of other external factors? Just wondering.



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