So, its my first blog. I have never written a blog.
The truth us, there is something wrong. The last year or so, I cant put my finger on it, but there is something wrong. I wake up every morning with the most anxious feeling to check my repulsive self in the mirror. What's so repulsive about myself? I dont really know. What do I hate so much about myself? I dont know. But the underlying truth is I hate myself. I hate who I am, how I look, and already who I will become. Everyone tells me that it is just a phase. These are the happy shiny people who can confidently look in the mirror and think that they have self worth. I do not want to hear this from them. It's just a phase. It is not just a phase. Even the tiniest thing just sends me into a panic of how hopeless I really am.
Do normal people just fixate on all of their flaws to the point of self mutilation? Is that just a phase as well? I walk out the door and can only think of how when people look at me, they are repulsed. They look at me and say, that girl shouldnt even walk out of the door in the morning. She should just stay in her house and never see the light of day. I think that when people see my face, they are just looking at my all the flaws. There are so many. I cant even look at people in the eye. People do not look me in the eye. They search my face for everything that is wrong and ugly. There is so much.
So, I do not leave. I find reasons to keep myself locked away. I do not unlock the door. I am void of friendship and love. I dont trust anyone to look past my flaws so why even have relationships. Every relationship I have is a lie. They tell me they dont see what I see, but I can not think of anything else. They tell me Im beautiful, but I cant believe them. They tell me they love me, but I dont love any of them back. I find joy in the simplest detail of attention but see it as false at the same time. I can not love anyone because I cannot get past my own self loathing. I wake up and feel nothing but sadness for this sad little girl I have become. Tears stream down my face for the hatred I have for myself. I hurt myself to make up for the contempt I have for myself.