I have been thinking about my screwed up marriage a lot.  How could I not?  I screwed it up.  Though, at this point, you would think I did it all by myself.  I have played the bad guy for over a year, because I know I hurt him.  I know it was awful for him to find out about the affair.  Getting mixed up with the other guy was one of the worst mistakes of my life (right up there with heroin).  It was meaningless and stupid, and there was never anything special or romantic about any of it.  I was manic (which for me, means hypersexuality, among other things), drug-addled (all three of us were still on smack), and he had not reached for me in a very, very long time.  He actually lost interest in sex the second year we were married.  I always chalked it up to meds, and depression, but maybe it was more than that.  Maybe, he was less attracted to me because of the severity of my instability.  In any case, he should have told me that he saw how unhinged I was getting LONG before he did.  He knew I was getting worse and worse, and he said NOTHING, until it had blown up in his face in one of the worst ways possible.

Obviously, it also blew up in my face.  It wasn't until the fit hit the shan, with the affair, that I realized how sick I had gotten.  How out of control…  I knew I was depressive, and PTSD, and that I was a drug addict – that always seemed like enough to explain away any nuttiness.  At least, it seemed that way to me.  But, the people close to usually spot these things before we do.  He knew I was walking around with a screw loose, and he said nothing.  He just let me make a jerk of myself, without comment.  Sure, it would have been unpleasant, but he could have forced the issue, and I would have agreed to see a doctor, as I ultimately did.  I didn't have to fall so far.  I never would have hooked up with what's his face, even though I did feel alone and unwanted, if I hadn't been so impulsively manic.  I am not trying to make excuses, but I haven't been cut any slack in a long time, and I feel like I deserve a little.

We spend all of his free time together, and despite not getting out enough, we have fun.  We enjoy each other's company.  But, there's really nothing romantic, outside of him holding me at night.

I know there are guys who would love me the way I need to be loved, but I am not as starved for that sort of attention as I used to be (which is funny, given that I have gone longer without sex than I ever have before, since becoming sexually active at the age of 15), and I am trying to be patient.  To show some understanding, and to empathize…  but, I feel like he does not want to acknowledge how pivotal the whole bipolar deal really is.  He says he will learn more about it, but I think he hesitates to do so, in part, because he feels entitled to his anger, and thus isn't looking to understand my side.  Maybe, he thinks I would be like that, either way.  He certainly doesn't support me like I am his sick wife – if I had become ill in any other way, and it had screwed up his reality, he would not be maintaining this wall between us.  It's like he can't wrap his mind around the fact that I am struggling to overcome something really crippling, and that I never wanted to be that way. 

And, of course, it's not like I am all better, now.  I am still not right, but I am fighting to be someone that he'd be proud to be with.  I know I am horribly flawed, but in fairness, so is he, and I love him, anyway.  He's still so beautiful to me.  When I think about that too much, it hurts to even look at him.

I know some people would have given up on this, by now, but even if it makes me weak, I just can't walk away.  He's my husband, and he's a quarter of my life (about eight years now).  So, right now, I'm just sort of waiting it out.  Waiting to see if things can ever be right again.  I know everyone thinks I should talk to him, but it's crazy hard.  He is uncooperative, and when I put him on the spot, he reacts badly.  He doesn't want to say anything about all that, or he would.  I think he would communicate something, in some way, to let me know that things were somehow different. 

We spend so much time together, I figure that means something.  But, it could just be habituation on his part.  He's always been very inactive when it comes to change, no matter how essential the change.  He hasn't worked on anything, in terms of moving toward a divorce, or separation, in the past year (which he claimed was the plan when he called me out on the affair, but he hasn't talked about us being over since then), but he has not really moved forward in terms of working things out, either.  When I have previously tried to press for answers, I've just gotten "I don't know" or "I don't know what to say."  The latter was his response when I asked if he ever thought about me, sexually (those weren't my words, but that was the gist).  So, I said, "So, I guess you don't."  He said, "I didn't say that."  I stopped pushing, since it wasn't going well.

Sometimes, I think he is waiting for me to get fed up, or realize the futility of the situation, and leave.  Maybe he will eventually do so if I do not seem to get the net.  I don't know.  Maybe, he's still confused, and waiting to see if I'll continue to get better, or if I'll go off the grid again.


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